


A Gift

by mforpaul (Linde)



Series: Sonny is a single dad AU [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternative Universe - Single Dad, Angst, Barisi Gift Exchange 2018, Christmas, Developing Relationship, Family Fluff, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-18 17:03:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16999020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linde/pseuds/mforpaul
Summary: Prompt: Family fluff where Sonny is a single dad and Rafael a cold-hearted ADA.There is also a mess about lube and condoms.Dear Queen_oval, this turned out to be an amazing prompt! I threw in some ups and downs and a cute boy and I hope you'll like it. Thank you so much!Merry Christmas to everyone!





	1. Color scheme

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Queen_Oval](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Oval/gifts).



* * *

 

The coat flutters behind him when he walks in hasty steps out of the courtroom, the neatly combed hair on the other hand barely moves.

“She knew she’d need to testify when she decided to press charges, so that’s what she’s going to have to soldier through now”, Barba doesn’t even look up from his phone. Texting, walking and bitching at the same time. This is the part that makes Sonny really angry.

“Barba, listen, her mother won’t let her home and she’s really not stable enough to…”, Sonny tries to plead the victim’s case by referring to the smallest glimpse of empathy in Barba, but the lawyer is in no mood to even bother listening. With a sharp gesture, he cuts him off.

“Carisi, I have no time for this. I need to discuss this ridiculous plea deal with Ms. Calhoun”, Barba interrupts him and points to his phone furrowing his brows. Despite being a head taller than the ADA, Sonny needs to speed up in order to keep up with him. As conceited as Barba is, Sonny secretly admires the confidence oozing from his stern steps.

But still Sonny can see right through him: the attention on the phone, the quick steps… Barba is trying his hardest to avoid Sonny. And despite Barba firmly insisting otherwise, he never likes to avoid Sonny.

This can only mean one of two things, Barba must have either had only one cup of coffee in the morning or… “Barba, did something happen at the arraignment?” Sonny asks, pointing his thumb over his shoulder to the direction of the courtroom in front of which Sonny had waited for him.

By now, they had arrived at the elevator which's button Barba hits with too much force.

“Detective”, Barba pinches his nose. “In case night school has taught you a way to prosecute a case solely built upon the victim’s testimony because some detectives weren't able to provide any other evidence…”, his bright green eyes shoot him a lethal look. _So he had suffered a loss at the arraignment_ , Sonny concludes. “She will have to testify”, Barba determines.

With a ding the doors of the elevator open and without another word Barba disappears into the elevator.

Sonny decides to let it go even though that neither helps their victim nor him who also needs a ride down.

Sonny sighs. No doubt, Barba is a great lawyer, more passionate and intelligent than anyone he had ever met. And despite there being literally nothing nice about Barba (okay, Sonny might be exaggerating here but in moments like this it surely feels this way), the victims are lucky to have him. Because Rafael Barba really takes up the fight for them. He’s not afraid of anything. And with every cell of his being, Sonny admires that viciousness in Barba’s character. But sometimes, maybe even a lot of times, Barba could be too stubborn and while Sonny also knows a great deal about that, he would never push a victim.

As brilliant as Barba is, empathy is not his strong suit. It may glitter in his eyes, but his actions tell a different story. He has the Lieu for that.

Anyway, if Barba had just suffered a setback in court, there is no arguing with him. That much Sonny knows. _The man just cares about his own ego too much_ , Sonny thinks bitterly to himself, cursing himself for finding that arrogance so damn attractive.

Barba in court is by far the sexiest image Sonny could ever think of. How Barba presents himself in court, larger than life, with his confident posture in his obstinate suits. How Barba talks like an actor who takes over the scene. Too often Sonny had drowned in the sparkle of those viridian eyes that appears when Barba gets challenged.

Sonny sighs again while he waits for the elevator to return.

That’s a dangerous path to go down.

With a ding the elevator opens its doors and Sonny steps inside. Just a few minutes ago, he had seen Barba pouting when the elevator doors had closed. Obviously, Barba is mad about something. And as Barba had blamed Carisi’s detective skills, Sonny guesses that Barba must be mad at himself.

And pouting gives Barba a soft touch that makes Sonny’s belly warm up. _Barba is cute when he is mad_.

But that path is even more dangerous.

Although the cold bites his nose, Sonny breathes in deeply when he steps out of the courthouse.

The air tastes wet.

Sonny doesn’t pay the Christmas decorations that seem to claim their presence in every single tree in Manhattan much attention. Instead, he levels his gaze up to the sky where he sees gray clouds claiming their presence.

 _If we're lucky, it will snow_ , Sonny thinks while he is dialing the Lieu’s number. She needs to drive Barba a little bit crazier.

* * *

It had just begun to snow when Sonny picks up his son from daycare. That means that their little walk home is accompanied by the spectacular view of white snowflakes that turn into brown slush as soon as they hit the streets of New York City.

“So buddy, what did you do today?” Sonny asks the four and a half year old that nearly disappears under the massive beanie that his grandmother had knitted him.

“I don’t want to lie to you”, Leo answers to Sonny’s surprise.

“Why?” Sonny wrinkles his brows, somewhat confused, somewhat amused. “What do you mean?”

“I just can’t tell you, daddy”, Leo says bravely.

“Leo, champ, we are a family”, Sonny is going for his best dad-voice. “We don’t have secrets from each other. So whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Leo looks up to his father. His tiny face clearly conflicted. “But the teacher said I shouldn’t. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”

Sonny smiles cordially, feeling love warming up his heart. “Okay then, buddy. I trust you.”

Sonny had understood by then that the teachers are probably preparing self-made gifts with the children. And he feels somewhat proud that his son had managed to not give anything away. Well, Sonny had figured it out, but only because he’s a detective. Otherwise he would have had no clue about what his boy is talking.

“Daddy, why do you wear this color?” Leo asks pointing at either the dove blue tie or the camel colored coat that he is wearing. Sonny raises his eyes brows. Of course, just because he’s queer doesn’t mean his son would turn out gay - even though popular opinions suggest otherwise. Nevertheless, Sonny sometimes wonders very much about what kind of questions come out of this boy.

“It makes your daddy look handsome”, he answers truthfully and thoughtlessly.

“Why?” Leo replies.

Sonny shrugs his shoulders, guessing he needs to continue his line of answering. “The blue highlights my eyes.”

Leo shakes his head. “I mean the coat. What’s the name of this color, dad?”

“Uh…”, Sonny also doesn’t really know. He had seen a similar coat on Barba. “Beige.”

“Why do you wear that color? You said my jacket has to be dark because in winter time it gets dirty.” Sonny cannot help but smile, his son is clever indeed.

“It’s a little daring. That makes your daddy look attractive”, Sonny answers mindlessly. His phone rings and a look on the display tells him that it’s Barba.

“Why attractive?” Leo asks again.

Sonny draws his brows together in worry, but before he answers the phone he answers his son: “In case I meet someone I like, I want them to notice me.”

Barba doesn’t waste time on greetings nor on waiting for Sonny to say his name. “Come over here, Carisi”, he barks. “You screwed up another evidence.” Sonny can barely reply before Barba continues: “Ms. Calhoun informed me that you were leading her client on.”

“How did I do that?” Sonny asks clearly offended and his son looks up to him inquiringly.

“Apparently you have bonded with a serial rapist over bragging about how you used to get girls in bed by telling them you’re an exchange student from Italy.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, detective, _oh_. Ms. Calhoun now claims that the confession is unusable in court because you were coercing him to lie about his own conquests”, Barba explains with forced serenity.

“What?” Sonny cannot believe what he hears. Sure, the exchange student story is a blatant lie but it had helped to ultimately get a confession out of the perp.

Meanwhile Leo had stopped to pick up some snow from some doorsteps along the way. Normally Sonny would tell him to leave it. His hands would get cold, he would get wet and then sick and everything, but in this moment it is more crucial to follow the conversation with Barba.

“You heard me all right, Carisi”, Barba snaps. “Now get your fine ass into my office, so that we can go over your interrogation again.”

“Look, Barba, I just picked up Leo and…”

“I neither care nor know who Leo is…” Barba does know who Leo is. He is Detective Dominick “Sonny” Carisi Jr., as if anyone who spends a significant amount of time with him couldn’t know who Leo is. “If Ms. Calhoun goes through with this, and both you and I know that she could get what she wants, we better work on this right away.”

Sonny bites his lips and watches Leo eat snow. The little boy contorts his face in disgust. Sonny sighs, he could have told him that snow in New York City doesn’t taste like Sundae ice cream.

“I’m sorry, Barba”, Sonny starts. “But can’t we just talk about it over the phone ‘cos I cannot just give Leo away right after…”

“I don’t care”, Barba interrupts him firmly and with determination. This would be the end of the discussion: “Just come here so we can fix this before I need to drown myself in Scotch.” And with that, Barba had ended the call.

Sonny feels anger sparking inside of him. But maybe it’s because Sonny had screwed up or maybe because he simply doesn’t want to disappoint Barba, he doesn’t allow the feeling to linger.

In the end, there are only three things that matter. First, the victims need justice. Second, they have to put that guy behind bars and mostly, Sonny has a big family.

“Hey Leo, you wanna go to aunt Gina’s?” Sonny shouts over to his son who had now sat down on the wet doorsteps and is thoroughly licking the snow that had been disgusting only moments ago from his fingers.

“Yeah, sure”, the boy answers and Sonny looks up from his phone surprised. He pouts. That was suspiciously easy.

“She gives you ice cream for dinner, doesn’t she?” Sonny asks him with a sigh and dials his sister’s number anyway.

“No, chips”, Leo replies.

While Sonny asks Gina who lives only three subway stations away from Leo’s day care to babysit, the boy gets up from the doorsteps only to realize that his pants are soaked wet from the snow. He pouts.

“Okay, buddy, it’s set. Let’s go”, Sonny stretches out his arm and puts a hand on his son’s shoulder, leading him to go on. “I’m sorry, but I’ll need to leave for work. It’s important.”

“Was that work who called you?”

“Yeah, it was Uncle Rafi." Sonny smirks to himself, because he knows that Barba would probably cut his tongue off with a knife only to make sure Sonny never uses these words again. But Leo is four, everyone is either an uncle or an aunt. “He’s very angry. I need to go see him and… uh… make him feel better.”

“Did you make him angry?”

“Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”

“You want him to like you again?”

“Yeah.”

Leo studies Sonny’s tie and the coat and nods understandingly.

* * *

When Sonny enters the ADA’s office, Barba basically throws the casefiles into Sonny’s face. Admittedly, Barba only throws them on the desk in front of him but with so much vigor that he might as well had punched Sonny.

Barba only slightly raises his voice, but his shoulders are squared and his posture is assertive. With one hand on his hip, he faces Sonny openly while he rambles on about how the defense will rip his ludicrous exchange student story apart and thereby flush their case thoroughly down the toilet.

 _Why?_ Why does he like assholes?

Barba’s nostrils flatter prettily, the skin under his five o’clock shadow picks up a shade of gentle red and a tiny strain of his perfectly combed hair falls out of place. But what distracts Sonny the most are Barba’s beautiful viridian eyes, endless depths of green that sparkle with anger, determination and fortitude.

Sonny is so smitten that he needs to remind himself that he should be angry, too.

As always Barba is unnecessarily hard on him. But Sonny knows that if he in turn tries hard enough, he would eventually get Barba’s approval. Because Barba likes it when people try hard, give their best.

So Sonny argues back, his fingers move along with his words sloppily, not elegantly like the prosecutor’s large hand as it cuts legal papers through the air.

Sonny’s heart starts beating even quicker when he demands the protocol of the perp’s second interrogation and Barba ends up standing too close to him. Sonny smells the man’s rich scent over the subtle cologne.

Finally, the wrinkles that form the emotional journey on Barba’s face begin to smooth. Not that Barba would admit it, but Sonny knows that Barba knows that Sonny had found a solution. The perp had confessed again during the second interrogation, to a different detective, with no womanizing scheme implied.

Barba who had gotten rid of his suit jacket, his vest and the grip of the upper button of his shirt during the heat of the argument mercilessly makes Sonny go through the recordings of both interrogations, take notes of the important passages and prepare his answers for when he will inevitably be cross-examined on the stand by the defense.

A small protest “I have bought them spinach pizza but I’m afraid Gina will fill him up with Oreos if I don’t…” is cut off by a sharp look of those dangerous green eyes.

So Sonny obeys. With immense care that he knows Barba appreciates, he helps to prepare a way out of the legal mess. And if he’s honest he’s happy that he doesn’t have to pick up the hour long fight of making a child go to sleep tonight. Instead he enjoys the legal mess. And Barba who, half sitting on his desk, explains his thoughts with the patience of his soft voice and doesn’t even comment when Sonny starts taking notes.

Sonny knows that Barba is finally content when the lawyer rolls down his sleeves again and fixes himself a Scotch.

Sonny is surprised when Barba holds out a glass for him.

“Have one, relax”, Barba says with a buoyant smile.

Sonny knows that his smile in return must look totally goofy but the sassy smirk in response tells him that the other man doesn’t seem to mind. And Sonny also knows that this is as close to a thank you as he will ever get from him, so he takes the Scotch to his lips and takes a cautious sip.

He wrinkles his lips. It’s just as disgusting as he remembers.

He looks up to find Barba’s piercing green eyes fixed on him and an amused smile on the man’s lips. Sonny feels his cheeks starting to burn, but like Barba he says nothing.

And suddenly it hits him. He has a son! Is Sonny such a bad father that his crush for this man makes him forget about Leo?

Sonny hurries to take out his phone and shows it to Barba. “I need to check on Leo.”

Quickly, he dials Gina’s number. When his sister picks up, he directly understands from the lazy tone in her voice that she’s already halfway through a bottle of white wine. But Leo is asleep. With a look at his watch Sonny is not surprised and again extremely relieved that he had gotten a day off from bedtime routine.

Allegedly, Leo had had half of the spinach pizza and had brushed his teeth after half a jar of Nutella that aunt and nephew had killed with a spoon. Sonny sighs and chooses to believe it. “Thanks, Gina, I come by for breakfast tomorrow, okay?” Sonny says and with the promise to not bring avocado toast for breakfast, he hangs up.

Sonny realizes again that Barba had watched him.

“He’s asleep”, Sonny says dumbly, knowing that Barba doesn’t care. He raises his glass anyway as if to show that he now has all the time in the world to finish his drink in silence.

“If you don’t mind me asking, detective”, Barba starts and Sonny shakes his head eagerly. “Where is the mother?”

Oh. _That question_. After all this time working together, Barba doesn’t know. Apparently, the squad had been respectful of Sonny’s wish to not advocate this particular story. If there is something that he really doesn’t need, it is gossip about his son.

“Nah, I don’t mind you asking, counselor”, Sonny answers with a sincere smile. “But I would also like you to keep that story to yourself.” Barba nods and Sonny continues: “The mother's a cousin of mine, she um… well, she had a lot of troubles.” Sonny clears his throat and forces himself to take another sip of the Scotch that Barba loves so much. “I adopted him a few months after his birth. She was happy that he’d stay in the family.”

“Oh, so you’re not the father?”

“Well, I am.”

“Sorry, that’s not what I meant”, Barba apologizes quickly and Sonny is happy to notice that Barba seems to be honestly sorry for his unwise choice of words. “Of course, you’re the father, but I mean biologically.”

“It’s okay, counselor”, Sonny smiles warmly. “Biologically I’m more like an uncle. But it doesn’t matter, if blood or not. Leo is lucky to have such a big family. I mean, they’re helping us so much. Otherwise I couldn’t do it as a single dad.”

“Is the mother involved?”

“Oh, um. She ODed earlier this year.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, thanks. It’s… _sad_ ”, Sonny says helplessly.

“Well, detective”, Barba hems and studies his tie for a second, before he locks eyes with Sonny again. “For what it’s worth. Father or not, I think it’s really admirable what you do for the boy.” And that’s it. Full stop.

Sonny blinks.

He stares into the green eyes that have focused their whole attention on him. Sonny hadn’t heard any mocking edge in the gentle tone of his voice and finds no smugness in the soft features of his face.

Sonny is so confused by the genuine compliment from Barba that he starts to nervously fumble with his own tie.

“Well, thanks." And Sonny feels himself blushing. He feels an urgent need to pass on from the kindness that Barba had showed him. “To be honest, I was quick to take my chance.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, in case I end up with a guy." Sonny shrugs his shoulders.

“What?” Barba who had started to pour himself another drink spills some of the Scotch on the table.

“I mean, you can always adopt or have a surrogate or I don’t know. But it’s complicated and messy and… you know. I really want children, lots of them. So when Talia got pregnant, I saw my chance to help and took it. Never regretted it.”

Sonny grasps that he had started babbling and knowing that Barba doesn’t appreciate it, he stops himself.

But soon he wishes that he would have continued with Leo’s story, because he finds the counselor staring at him. The crystal glass with the liquid gold in his hand half way to his mouth.

Sonny feels himself squirm under Barba’s gaze.

The only thing that comes to his mind is a stupid question and as soon as Sonny asks it, he curses himself for it. “So, what about you, Barba? No plans on kids?”

Barba lets out a chuckle that is so condescending that he might as well have laughed into Sonny’s face.

“No way!” Barba answers and pours down his Scotch in one go. He takes his jacket from the back of his chair to wear it on. “I don’t need any annoying time thief to drool on my suits, _no_ thank you.”

Sonny’s smile freezes on his face. Something hits him painfully somewhere in his heart.

And it’s not even something that surprises him to hear from the cold-hearted ADA.

This shouldn’t hurt so much.

 _Good_ , he thinks. There is the ultimate reason why he shouldn’t like this guy.

“Here, counselor”, Sonny stretches out his hand with the Scotch glass. “You can have the rest of my drink.”

* * *

Their home smells like cinnamon cookies and pine aroma candles. The Christmas decoration Leo and Sonny had set up on December 1st is scarce, but Sonny is nevertheless proud that they had pulled off that much.

So as enjoyable as a Popeye figure with a Santa hat is as much hell had been Sonny’s evening.

Leo’s sit in on a snowy New York City doorstep the other day had taken its prize and that prize is called a minor urinary tract infection. Sonny had been dealing with “it burns when I pee” all evening.

Furthermore, he had miserably failed to feed some hot lemon into his son, no matter how much honey he had put into it.

About one and a half hours past Leo’s bedtime, they had finally caught a break. Leo sits on the couch with heavy eyes watching _Shaun the Sheep_. The empty plate from his dinner stands on the coffee table in front of him. Empty safe for the broccoli. Sonny sighs. He cannot believe that he made an entire tray of cinnamon cookies in exchange for the promise that Leo would eat his broccoli.

The doorbell announces Sonny’s next misery.

It’s Barba.

Sonny had asked him over when Barba had called him an hour before.

“Carisi, it’s Christmas time. Aren’t you supposed to bring joy to the people?”

Liv had managed to talk Barba out of making the victim of their latest rape case testify which in Barba’s opinion is entirely Sonny’s fault. Consequently, it had been Sonny’s task to find new witnesses. Naturally, not wanting to disappoint Barba Sonny had somehow found some. No need to mention that Barba is not happy with any of them.

“Come to my office. We need to get over the protocols of these other witnesses. I’m not happy with them.”

Carisi had protested: “I cannot give him to one of my sisters when he can’t pee.” Eventually, urinary tract infections had a convincing effect on Barba who had agreed to meet at Sonny’s place and not in Barba’s office.

Needless to say that the original plan before the broccoli disaster had been that Leo would be safe and sound in his bed by the time Barba arrives.

When Barba enters the Carisi apartment with a brown bag in one hand and his briefcase in the other, commenting “oh, Christmassy” with a sniff of his nose, Sonny smiles apologetically and introduces Leo to “Uncle Rafi” which earns him a withering look from Barba.

But that look from Barba is nothing compared to the sweet tongue of his son.

“Is he mad at you again?”

“What?” Barba raises a brow and Sonny’s heart sinks.

“Leo!”

“You should've worn a blue sweater, dad!” Leo shakes his head at the green and black flannel shirt.

“Okay, little man, just eat your broccoli and then go to bed.” Hastily Sonny starts collecting the incredible amount of cups that had gathered on the coffee table this evening. Some cups are empty, some still half full with various fluids: herbal tea, hot lemon, hot chocolate, freshly pressed orange juice and glühwein.

To Sonny’s total embarrassment, Barba doesn’t just ignore the child like he is supposed to. “Why would he need to wear blue?”

“Because that makes his eyes pop”, Leo answers truthfully.

“Leo!” Sonny wants to disappear somewhere in a hole.

“That’s what you said, dad”, Leo insists. “It makes you look handsome.”

“Please, Leo, just shut up and eat your damn broccoli.”

And damn Barba’s wit because the lawyer had started to make his own conclusions: “He said, he wants to look handsome when I come over?”

“I didn’t…!”

“He says it makes you like him.”

Oh. _No!_

And Sonny’s heart skips a beat when Barba comments nonchalantly: “Well, he should have worn some of this slim fitted pants then.”

Sonny widens his eyes and in pure shock looks at Barba, desperate to find something in his face that tells him that Barba has by some inexplicable twist of fortune found some sense of humor. Instead, Sonny finds the prosecutor smirking contently.

And as if it couldn’t get any worse, Leo asks Barba: “Would that be _daring_?”

Sonny closes his eyes and hides his face behind hands full of cups. Whatever he tries to achieve by this gesture, it doesn’t work because he hears Barba seriously _answering_.

“Well, kind of. It certainly makes him attractive.”

Because Sonny is sure that his life has ended, he opens his eyes again. Only to see his son nodding understandingly. “That’s what he says makes you like him.”

“That’s not what I said!” And Sonny feels that he blushes all the way down to his stomach. He doesn’t look at Barba who seems to amuse himself. “And now you eat your f… fabulous broccoli.” Sonny puts the cups back on the coffee table and takes a fork of broccoli in a last desperate attempt. “Or do you want to go to the doctor again?”

But Leo gives stunning show of his defiance and starts shaking his head vehemently. Fearing that Leo will start screaming and kicking, Sonny gives up. “Fine, just stay sick!”

All that in front of Barba of all persons!

“Let me fix you up with a Scotch, counselor”, Sonny says still red-faced and stretches his hand out for the paper bag that Barba had brought along.

Sonny leaves the living room and rummages around the kitchen until it looks half presentable. As Barba had so freely agreed to a drink before they start working, Sonny heats up another cup of glühwein for himself.

When he is about to reenter the living room with a drink in each hand, he stops short because he hears Leo and Barba talking.

“Look, Leo, your father seems to think that it is crucial for your survival in this world if you eat this broccoli so just be smart and have it.”

Furtively, Sonny glances through the door hoping not to destroy the moment.

“But it’s disgusting.”

“Agreed, but it’s just a few florets.”

“Why are you on daddy’s side?”

“Um… I’m not.”

“But you also want me to eat the broccoli.”

Sonny sees Barba smirking. “Because I know your daddy wants the best for you. And I want you to be healthy as well as your daddy to be happy so if that means that you need to eat that broccoli, then for the love of god just eat the damn broccoli.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Look, your dad says it’s good for you, so…”

“Maybe daddy doesn’t know what’s good for me.”

“He does”, Barba replies with forced patience.

“Why?” Leo folds his arms in front of his chest and pulls off the pout of the century. “Don’t tell me daddies always know what’s best.”

“Certainly not all dads do, but I’m sure yours does.”

“Why?”

“Because yours is clever.”

Barba hits the fork into the broccoli and holds it in front of Leo’s face just like Sonny had done minutes before.

Sonny needs to smile. It’s _sweet._

And to his utter surprise, Leo opens his mouth. He even chews and swallows.

“At least, daddy is happy when I eat broccoli”, Leo admits.

“You’re a clever boy then”, Barba says, but his attempt to give Leo the fork fails because the little boy simply opens his mouth, waiting to be fed. Even more surprisingly, Barba obeys and slowly shoves one floret after the other into the boy’s mouth.

Sonny’s heart just melts.

Being a father, he cannot help but feeling attracted to people being cute to his son. And he would have never believed that Barba would be one of those. Would be someone who _cares_.

Sonny curses his silly heart that beats wildly in his chest. Isn’t it just _stupid_ that this little scene makes him fall in love?

He had never been known for making the best decisions, but Sonny smiles nonetheless. The love blooming in his chest, no matter what it will bring, it feels good.


	2. Numbers and dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First, Sonny and Barba cannot catch a break. Then Gina Carisi gets caught up in it and finally, it gets pretty angsty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot believe how long this chapter turned out to be, I even thought about dividing it into three. I originally wanted to wait with posting it, but I need to get this out of my system because otherwise I will keep rewriting and adding and therefore get nothing else done. And sorry, I was rearranging it a thousand times, it's not betaread, English is not my first language, so forgive me my mistakes. I hope it's somewhat coherent. And I hope you enjoy anyway. Let me know what you think.

* * *

 

Another half an hour later Sonny had finally tucked Leo into bed. But by then, his son had profoundly and thoroughly collapsed, so that Sonny is sure he won’t bother him again until morning.

When he returns to the living room where Barba had been waiting, the first thing he notices is that Barba has helped himself to another drink.

“I’m _so_ sorry. I’m sorry that you had to wait and see this mess. And…” Sonny stops and hides his eyes behind one hand for a second. “And I’m sorry about what Leo said. He… took it out of context.”

“I’m sure he did”, Barba says neutrally and Sonny cannot be sure whether or not he sees the prosecutor’s mouth twitch.

“He really did!”

“Of course, children misunderstand easily”, Barba confirms coolly, his expression unreadable.

Sonny senses it. He feels that he should just stop talking. Whether Barba believes him or not, he offers Sonny a clean way out of his embarrassment. What Sonny should do is reach out his hand quickly, grab his chance and send a quick prayer as a thank you. But something about Barba’s attitude provokes him.

“He asked me about my new coat the other day and I told him daddy wants to look handsome and then you called on the phone and I told him you were angry and he made a totally uncalled-for connection there…”

“I’m not doubting you, detective”, Barba interrupts him, but Sonny is sure that he very well is.

All Sonny wants is to literally die.

Luckily, he doesn’t have to because Barba opens his briefcase. Right, work. That is the purpose of his visit. Work that either saves Sonny from further embarrassment or ruins his chance to explain the situation, Sonny doesn’t know.

One way or the other, they talk through the witness statements as fast as they go through two more drinks.

And at some point, Sonny’s mind just slips away.

Alcohol and tiredness are a fatal mixture for late night work sessions. The alcohol makes his mind loose and the exhaustion his eye lids heavy. For a short moment, Sonny’s eyes fall shut.

Fortunately for him, Barba hadn’t noticed because he is busy writing down notes.

A glass with golden Scotch perfectly adorns Barba’s large hand with elegant fingers that are wrapped around a pencil, soundly writing down arched words on yellow paper. Sonny follows the line of Barba’s strong arms over solid shoulders to Barba’s tongue that the prosecutor presses between his lips in concentration.

The pure aesthetics of the scene leave Sonny absolutely stunned.

The realization that he is staring hits him exactly one second before Barba’s lips hit his.

Sonny sucks in a breath.

Barba is suddenly _everywhere_.

A knee pushes between his thighs, fingers slide through his hair and a hand pulls his head deeper into the kiss. And Barba’s mouth, his _tongue_ …

The sweet, spicy taste in his own mouth mixes up with the taste of Scotch and a note of coffee on Barba’s tongue.

As Sonny’s breath accelerates, Barba’s rich, peculiar scent starts to linger in his nose.

Totally overwhelmed, Sonny doesn’t know what to do with his hands. They, luckily, end up on Barba’s shoulders where he is steadying the man who is in danger of losing his balance while trying to hover himself over Sonny.

Hot breath prickles on his skin when Barba mumbles between kisses: “You do have supplies, don’t you, detective?”

As Barba doesn’t break the kiss and their tongues are still entangled, it takes a while until the question finally reaches Sonny’s brain. It takes even longer for Sonny to understand what Barba had meant.

Being a single father and a full time detective neither leaves him much time nor much energy to date. So the last time Sonny had actually had someone in his bed is a very long time ago. And the last time that someone had been male even longer.

This is why Sonny is not sure whether the lube that still must be hidden somewhere in the depths of his little bathroom cabinet might be expired.

This cannot be happening. This cannot ruin this moment.

 _It’s Barba_ , for Christ’s sake. No one can expect him to worry about expiration dates when he is going to have Barba in his bed!

“Yeah”, Sonny finally manages to groan. “In the bathroom.”

He forces his heavy lidded eyes to open when he feels Barba’s warm body move away from him.

“Lead on”, Barba orders and as much as Sonny wants to obey right away, he cannot help but take a moment to seize the look that Barba presents to him. A beautiful flush had put a light pink into his face and his smart, green eyes are darkened by lust. The usually perfect combed hair is messy.

And Sonny must be the reason for it. Had he really let his hands explore the hair, that face?

Sonny wants to touch him again.

So bedroom.

Eagerly, Sonny gets up and walks to his bedroom, cursing himself for not having the sheets changed earlier this evening like he had originally planned.

“I cannot believe I have to peel you out of sweatpants”, Barba mutters behind him.

Yeah, the sweatpants. Sonny had also originally planned to switch into jeans before Barba arrives, but along the several disasters about peeing and eating broccoli he had totally forgotten.

Nevertheless, Sonny has to grin. Good to know that _that_ doesn’t hold Barba back from what he wants.

Sonny turns around to answer Barba and catches him staring at Sonny’s ass. His grin grows even wider. “Be happy it’s just one layer…”, Sonny comments pointing with his head to Barba’s three piece suit.

“Yeah, you’re not going to touch that!”, Barba answers and is already starting to take off his jacket. Sonny is so quick to hurry into the bathroom to get lube and condoms that he even forgets to roll his eyes.

Back in the bedroom, he finds Barba in boxers, socks, shirt and his tie still hanging around his neck.

Sonny thinks that he looks unbelievably charming.

So Sonny has no choice but to grab said tie and pull Barba into another searing kiss.

Their breaths are fast and hot and Sonny’s whole world reduces to the feel of Barba in his arms.

He feels the bed against the hollow of his knees. Distantly, he acknowledges the sounds of condoms and lube hitting on sheets which is to where he is pushed down moments later. And then he feels the weight of Barba on him when the man zealously sits down in Sonny’s lap.

Hands, tongues and teeth are everywhere. Exploring, licking, tasting. Fingers too busy to fixate on only a single button. Hands too distracted by exposed skin to get rid of the unnecessary layers between them.

But somewhere along sucking Barba’s bottom lip and pushing a hand underneath the man’s clothes, the brain of an SVU detective kicks in and starts to shyly signal Sonny hesitation.

 _Damn it_ , Sonny thinks and bends his head back so to make Barba’s lips abandon his mouth. The other man jumps on the opportunity and covers Sonny’s neck with open-mouthed kisses.

His mouth free, Sonny can now speak. Even though he doesn’t want to.

“Uhm…”, if only Barba’s hips grinding into his crotch wouldn’t be so distracting. “I don’t… know… expired.”

Barba’s tongue is now teasing the shell of Sonny’s ears. “What?”, Barba gasps.

“The… uh… expiration date.”

“You mean the condoms?”

 _Oh_. Yeah. They can expire, too.

“Yeah”, Sonny gasps, his lips find Barba’s jaw line to explore. “I’m not sure.” Sonny draws a tongue down the other man’s neck. “Will you check?”

Barba’s hips in Sonny’s lap move seductively when he shifts his weight to sit up in search for the condoms next to him.

Sonny has no other choice, he firmly squeezes Barba’s _gorgeous_ ass.

Even more arousing than the desired object itself is the involuntary groan that escapes its owner’s mouth in response.

“Carisi”, Barba says and Sonny hums a response against his neck. “I’m an old man, there is no way I can see it in this light.”

Sonny knows better than to laugh, but secretly his chest starts to feel a little warmer. Isn’t it extremely cute that Barba’s eye sight is fading? Nonetheless, Sonny manages to keep his expression as neutral as possible when he moves his face away from the feast that is Barba’s neck to have a look at the condoms.

Why are the fates not on his side?

“I’m afraid we’re not lucky today”, Sonny exhales.

But Barba had already placed himself between his thighs, untying the band of Sonny’s sweatpants.

Barba’s piercingly green eyes send Sonny a look.

Barba lets out a scowl: _think again_.

* * *

If the reason is the alcohol or the ease after an orgasm or pure laziness, Sonny cannot tell. But they had both fallen asleep afterwards and this is how Barba had spent the night.

In the morning, Barba had gotten up early. Earlier than Sonny and Leo. He’d need to stop by his apartment before work. He’d need to change, shave and all the sound reasons. In his sleep drunk state, Sonny’s only reply that he had been able to mutter had been: “We didn’t even lock the door.”

But Barba had waved his hand: “What does a child understand?”

The next three days when they would cross paths during work, Barba would pretend nothing happened.

Or maybe not even pretend. He was just being Barba.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, in his expression or his tone of voice would suggest that anything had happened between them. Barba would complain about Carisi, roll his eyes at him and dismiss his legal talk the way he always does. Not even world class detectives like their coworkers had the slightest chance to notice any difference.

One time, they had been alone together in an elevator in the precinct, approximately thirty seconds riding down from the third floor to the ground floor. They had both fumbled with their phones saying nothing.

The day after their night, Sonny had brought some files to his office. They had been alone in his office for about twenty five minutes in which Sonny had updated him on their case, had asked about his legal opinion and told him that Leo had eaten peas the day before. Barba, naturally, had follow the conversation with decreasing attention. But obviously he hadn’t felt a need to talk, to comment on their night with maybe even something as undignified as a commonplace: _It was fun, but… it’s unprofessional._

But then again, Sonny had also made no attempt to touch the subject.

They are being their usual selves and fairly, Sonny is glad about that. It feels honest. At least they are free of illusions or ugly sentiments. Their night had happened and now they are still able to be in one room together. And to Sonny, both means a lot. They can look each other in the eyes and still be colleagues.

Even so, Sonny would have liked a little acknowledgment.

But it is fine, because Sonny had expected nothing.

It would have been imprudent to do so. They both had known where they stand. And Barba is too complacent and maybe too neat to want otherwise. And Sonny… Sonny has Leo. He can simply not afford to want something he cannot have.

This is why he doesn’t allow himself to dwell upon heartache. Not yet at least.

No, not at all. Sonny feels _uplifted_. The night with Barba had given his heart a new spur that makes him feel his blood rushing through his veins. The euphoria that must have been born somewhere between their kisses is what Sonny embraces.

And he is happy. Because he had been with Barba. He had tasted the man. And this is far more than Sonny would have ever dared to dream.

And the night had been, by all means, _like heaven_.

Usually, Sonny is not a person who succumbs to an impulse. Who ruthlessly gives himself into pleasure without thinking about what comes next. But this night with Barba, he had allowed his desire to take the lead. It had felt inexplicably right to do what he had so desperately urged to want to do.

It still feels right. And this is why, even though Sonny certainly wants more than this night, he is fine. It had been beautiful and, by all means, meaningful.

So it is okay.

This is why when his door rings on Friday evening at ten o’clock, Sonny thinks nothing of it and welcomes Barba in.

He is not surprised by the fury in his green eyes and the annoyance along his furrowed brows and the immediate telling-off from his silver tongue.

The document that Sonny so imprudently calls evidence was deeply flawed. The colorful post it notes stuck to it, of no use. The legal references? Not even worth a second of thought. And anyway, the witnesses Sonny had found, useless, every single one of them. What he should do with them in court, Barba honestly wondered. How this document should be of any help to Barba, he couldn’t see it.

And during the litany of dismissals of Sonny’s efforts, Barba hands him a brown case file. The only item that Barba had brought along.

With a deep breath meant to mentally ready himself to respond, Sonny opens the file.

A metallic object falls to the floor, but Sonny doesn’t look after it because something else catches his attention.

Or better say, nothing catches his attention.

The casefile only contains a single piece of paper.

And this piece of paper is blank.

Sonny allows himself to let the realization come to him slowly, bit by bit. He wants to take every little piece of evidence into his hand, turn it around and look at it from every angle to gradually come to the only conclusion that this empty casefile allows.

Barba had knocked on his door at a time he knows his son is long asleep. He has brought along a casefile that contains no case. That is what an outsider would see, Barba has a reason to come to Sonny’s apartment late night. There is something that Barba has to and is talking about. But the casefile that Sonny now holds in his hands, shows Barba’s true intention.

Barba had taken care to make a considerate, but completely unnecessary gesture only to put it ad absurdum.

In a very twisted and Barba way, this empty casefile is extremely sweet.

Barba is trying to be romantic.

Sonny’s heart drops to his knees.

Just when he had thought this man couldn’t be any more desirable.

Sonny lifts his gaze up to fully take in Barba. Barba looks, as always, gorgeous in his what Sonny can only guess is his attempt to look casual. But what is striking out more than the man’s undeniable good looks is the stunning, truly genuine smile in his face.

Barba points with his eyes to the floor.

Right, something had fallen out there. Sonny bows and grabs for the object.

It is a strip of condoms.

Sonny tilts his head, he presses his lips together firmly.

Anyway.

 _It’s Barba_. And Sonny is doomed.

He throws away the casefile to somewhere, it doesn’t matter where. He needs his hands free to grab Barba by the shoulders, pull him in and kiss him thoroughly senseless.

Again, hands, tongues, teeth are everywhere. Fingers clumsy, impatient. Half-undressed they manage to arrive in Sonny’s bedroom.

The taste, the scent, the feel of Barba is driving Sonny thoroughly crazy.

Sonny doesn’t know, maybe it is again a cruel twist of faith, but again, somewhere along trying to get his pants off the man on top of him, Sonny’s brain kicks in and starts to alarm him.

Barba hadn’t brought any lubricant.

He could just risk it. Not say anything. Hoping that his old bottle hadn’t dried out or started to smell or do whatever it is expired lubes do.

It should be fine.

Unless, it does something to the condom. Or maybe it would burn on the skin.

 _Damn it_.

“The lube”, Sonny gasps.

“What?” Barba breathes heavily.

“Expiration date.”

Barba’s head shoots up. “You’ve GOT to be kidding me.”

“I wish.”

Sonny fumbles for the bottle of lube in the drawer of his bedside table where he had left it after they hadn’t been able to put it to use before. All in all, no easy task with Barba’s tongue twirling around his nipples.

After finally finding the numbers he searches for on the bottle, he closes his eyes. _Fuck_!

“Yeah.”

Barba’s sigh shatters bones, but he keeps on spreading kisses over Sonny’s body anyway.

Finally, Barba looks up. His viridian eyes sparkling dangerously.

“The only way that I’ll forgive you this is if you go down on me _quickly_.”

* * *

This time, for the lack of alcohol Sonny supposes, Barba doesn’t stay. Like before, they make out while they come down from their orgasms, limbs entangled, fingertips pressed into sweaty flesh. But sleep doesn’t come over them, so Barba eventually ducks out of Sonny’s embrace and leaves.

Sonny neither asks nor expects him to stay. Barba on the other hand seems to feel compelled to not excuse, probably not even explain himself, but to inform: “I don’t want to bother you and the boy in the morning.”

“You wouldn’t”, Sonny shrugs his shoulders and there’s no eagerness in his answer. No intention to make him stay anyway and no coy to make him feel guilty for not doing so. No, if there is anything that Sonny could do in a heartbeat, with bliss and pleasure, between catching a case and bringing his son to kindergarten, it would be hosting an over-night guest. And maybe Sonny even feels disappointed for Barba not knowing him better than that.

Quite frankly, Sonny wonders why Barba had chosen to say so anyway. The man himself had invited himself over and given the way Barba snaps at him every single day at work, making himself scarce with the excuse of _not wanting to bother_ is a luxury that Barba cannot have the audacity to claim for himself.

But then again, the man’s intentions to say so are probably as straightforward as the ones with which he had led himself into Sonny’s bed. With the next day being Saturday, Barba cannot use work early in the morning before which he would need to go home as a pretext.

Anyway, Sonny shouldn’t be surprised that Barba manages to start talking about work before his departure. “Get me a Scotch”, he says in one breath with complaining about Sonny’s so called evidence that they would really have to talk about on Monday morning.

Barba downs the Scotch within a second. Before doing so, he had commented “Don’t go easy on me” to the generous amount that Sonny had poured him.

And this is how again they avoid to talk about it.

But when he walks Barba to the door, he neither knows how nor want to bring it up. So this is how Sonny just stands there, hands in his pocket, not sure how to even say goodbye. _Have a good ride home_ or S _ee you Monday_?

“You’re getting sloppy, detective”, he hears Barba saying.

Looking at Barba with the ghost of a smug smile on his lips, a challenging glimmer in his eyes and a brow raised demandingly, Sonny, in absolute awe, understands that Barba expects to be kissed goodbye.

Now, who could resist such a sweet invitation?

So he kisses Barba. Something between gentle and firm. With a bit of tease and a bit of resolve.

Something unsure.

* * *

The idea strikes him when he looks into the front mirror seeing Leo dozing off in his car seat.

To be honest, the idea had already struck him about twenty minutes earlier when they had let out Mia at the dorm.

And then again when he had seen his sister in the passenger seat nipping on a bottle of water.

“Gina”, Sonny announces.

“Yo, little bro.”

Sonny shakes his head. Originally, the plan had been that Gina would drive them all back to Manhattan after the Second Advent’s dinner at their parents’ house. It is her car after all. But by the time the clock had reached nine Sonny had caught her and Teresa smoking in the backyard each with a Martini in her hand.

“As if two beers make you drunk, little brother”, Gina had laughed at him and Sonny had sensed that his little speech about responsibility – _drinking and driving, a child in the car, and by the way I’m a cop_ \- would be totally out of place.

Not out of place, but a waste of breath.

So here he is. Driving them all, his son, his sister and his niece back to Manhattan from Staten Island after three and a half beers.

And his older sister is imitating Chelsea Peretti.

“Do you mind if Leo sleeps at your place tonight?”, Sonny asks.

Over the top is what Gina is aiming for and it is what she nails. The face that Gina pulls off contains all the feign drama one could think of: complaint, skepticism, disbelief.

“He’s about to sleep. I just carry him upstairs and you can kill the rest of that bottle of Martini you stole from Ma and Dad”, Sonny explains with a nod to the bag between Gina’s feet.

“I have a job, a flat and a car. I don’t need to steal alcohol from my parents.” She flips her blond curls that finally lose their hold over her shoulder. Pointedly not asking for the reason of her brother’s request.

Sonny rolls his eyes. If he really wants to get what he wants, he won’t argue.

“Will you?”

“Seriously though?”

“What?”

“Twice in like - what? - not even two weeks you give your precious boy to me.”

The sentence contains neither finality nor a question mark. _Make of it as you will_ , Gina tells him, _but if I swallow that cutie in his sleep don’t blame me_.

Of course, Sonny doesn’t hear any of it. Thirty five years of his life and he still doesn’t understand the scornful tone with which his older sister always speaks to him. The obliviousness of a younger sibling, maybe. But it is just in her nature, the rank of the second oldest in a sequence of four gives her no special position. The only weapon she finds to have in her hands is to be mean to everyone and annoyed by everything. So naturally, she allies with the older one and makes the younger ones squirm at each and every opportunity and for no apparent reason.

“I’m trying to get laid.”

The first thing Gina feels before curiosity is disappointment. Her brother hadn’t gone for a fight. And isn’t that a shame? Had she lost her mojo?

“Ooooh, who is it?”

“Say yes and maybe I'll tell you.”

“You don’t get me with maybe.”

“Say yes, don’t spoonfeed him Nutella and I tell you every detail. Tomorrow.”

Gina raises an eyebrow and under the impression to get a better angle to study her brother’s face, she tilts her head.

Of course, she doesn’t believe a word of what he is saying. He won’t tell her anything until he is sure and given that he wants the boy out of the picture, he is not. And when he is, she will learn anything she wants to know anyway. In no time. Because, really, just like herself her brother is not one for secrets. Meaning the moment there is something to tell, he will not just tell but shout it from the rooftop. In times of smartphones they luckily live in that rooftop being a group chat entitled _The Carisi sisters + Sonny_ with a string of heart and eggplant emojis.

Her brother faces the street ahead of him. His face is mostly in the dark safe for the streetlights occasionally enlightening his features.

Even with his eyes concentrating on the road, she can read him like an open book.

Under the assumption that Gina would make a fuss otherwise, Sonny had went straight for the blatant truth. A correct assumption. This is how she knows that he is really blatantly telling her the truth. And genuinely, this blatant truth astounds Gina.

Her little brother is getting laid. Who knew?

Gina is very sure that Sonny’s love life had ended in a clean cut with Leo. Not just Sonny’s devotion to his son, but also Sonny’s humble demands to not just find a partner for himself, but first and foremost a co-parent to his actual nipper and future litter of children, in Gina’s opinion, make any existence of a love life profoundly impossible. And besides all of those problems – and aren’t they enough really? – her little brother is deeply incapable of just getting himself laid.

So whoever it is, this one must be special.

And has probably no idea that they should run as fast as possible.

Not because of the boy. He’s an angel. Gina doesn’t know why Sonny complains. And Sonny, well, he is a matter of taste, but Gina guesses that this is up to the decision making skills of said person. No, because of them. Gina would never marry into her own family, they are terrible. They basically feed on the misery of others. Maybe this is why she takes so much sadistic pleasure in drawing all those men she doesn’t like into it.

Well, given that Sonny is going to do his usual thing. But a lot of time had passed since the last time she and her sisters had dissected every pitch of voice, every twerk of personality and every unfortunate display of cellulite under skinny jeans of Sonny’s last girlfriend and let’s be real, her little brother must have some kind of libido. So maybe, Gina thinks to herself, he will give himself a treat and just have a screw. Certainly, it would be good for him.

But then again, who is she to talk?

Gina smiles to herself. Tonight promises to be good. Sure, subtlety is no virtue running in the Carisi family, but unlike Sonny Gina knows how to talk. Or more precisely, where to talk. Sharing, no matter how cruel the Carisi women can be, is a cathartic thing, but the rooftop is not the place for it. No, it is the backyard between glasses of Martini with Vodka instead of Vermouth or alternatively Amaretto with cherry juice and a package of slim, white, long cigarettes hidden in a brick of the wall.

As Sunday dinner is over, Gina would again take advantage of her iPhone 5 that she hopes to have replaced in two weeks and extend the backyard to the group chat that she in a woozy moment that had involved Amaretto and – Gina is ashamed to admit that – cherry soda had renamed to _Carisaw Patrol_ with three emojis where each respective monkey either covers its ears, eyes or mouth.

That is the real group chat, the one without her brother and niece Mia.

Unnecessary really given that Sonny will eventually be forced to tell them everything anyway, they would give an effort to foresee the upcoming love story of their brother. Speculate about all the hallmarks of where they met, who kissed whom first and what that all will mean for the rest of their lives. God bless their bisexual brother that she and her sister could start the guessing game on something as simple as the gender of Sonny’s love interest.

This should be fun.

Too bad that Leo is already asleep in the back of the car. You give him chocolate and the boy just tells you everything. Maybe Gina could have even gotten a name out of him.

But then again, where is the fun in that.

As daughters and sisters of detectives, they can do their own assumptions and with absolute certainty they will. Obviously the person has to be someone Sonny knows and trusts, otherwise he wouldn’t let anyone near himself or the boy. And it has to be someone special, someone really special. Otherwise Sonny couldn’t be tempted. So the only valid educated guess would be that sassy lawyer Sonny has had a crush on for years. That makes sense because male or female, the person must be an asshole. Despite them having the sweetest father in the world, that’s the Carisi siblings’ thing.

At least screw you, Freud!

“Well, little brother, wouldn’t wanna fuck block you.”

“Thanks so much”, Sonny answers sarcastically.

At a red traffic light, he takes out his phone and sends a text. [ _Hi, how u r doin?_ ]

The vibration of his phone indicates the arrival of an answer, but keeping up his appearance as a responsible father and dutiful cop in front of his sister, he cannot check his phone before the next red traffic light.

“Need my help?”, Gina asks with a sardonic smile.

“Ha ha.”

[ _Don’t bother me with pleasantries. What do you want?_ ]

The traffic lights jumping to green gives him time to think. Sonny is a nice man, so he likes to be sweet. This is why he does not just say what he wants. He wants giftwraps instead of straightforwardness.

But then again, how much romance can you expect between broccoli and expiration dates?

[ _Wonderin if u may wanna press ur luck again?_ ]

[ _Possibly. Clarify_ ]

[ _Leo stays with his aunt tonite_ ]

His knees are bobbing up and down. His phone has vibrated again indicating the arrival of an answer. He bites his lips when he passes another green light. When he hears the shuttering laughter of his sister next to him, he startles. “Just say you wanna fuck, it’s better for you”, she recommends.

[ _Coy doesn’t suit you, Carisi_ ]

Sonny sighs.

[ _U wanna come over?_ ]

[ _Sure_ ]

[ _Let’s say in an hour?_ ]

[ _Ok_ ]

From the depths of his chest, Sonny releases a breath. His heart thrums madly nonetheless.

He knows that his smile covers his whole face and he ignores his sister laughing at it.

* * *

Near the subway station, Sonny finds a bodega that is still open.

The store clerk spares him no look, but Sonny fumbles with his fingers anyway. His hands run through his hair and he takes a moment to decide where to go first. Shyly, he grabs a bottle of Scotch first. Then a pack of condoms because he suddenly cannot remember what had happened to the strip that Barba had brought the other day. And finally, lube.

He even checks the expiration date.

He puts the three items on the counter to pay and one of his legs starts to shake nervously again.

 _Maybe he’ll think I have to pee_ , Sonny thinks.

At home, he takes a quick shower, uses the hair dryer – because obviously – and is quite surprised by the outcome. Then he finds himself unexpectedly indecisive in front of his closet. He will just take them off anyway, but again the giftwraps, they matter.

First, he decides to open the package of black Hugo Boss boxer briefs that Gina had stolen from one of her conquests and then given to Sonny. He had refused to take them, but had eventually accepted the gift with the intention to never open it. But tonight is a special occasion. And indeed, his ass looks great in them.

Sonny sighs. Well, the man had said it himself. Slim fitted pants dress him best and Sonny had said this much himself, blue makes his eyes pop, so he chooses jeans and an especially tight fitted blue t-shirt, no undershirt, and in an attempt to not present himself too much like a meal a sweat jacket.

After that, he also changes the sheets quickly.

He checks his phone. It has been seventy three minutes since Barba’s last message.

Just to have something to do, Sonny collects a few things from the living room. He wonders if Barba would turn around on the spot if Sonny would light some candles. Set the mood. But Sonny decides to take advantage of the fact that it is Christmas, a good enough excuse, and lights two candles of the Christmas wreath and the candles of the Christmas pyramid. Leo had talked him into buying that one.

Sonny turns off the lights and decides that only candle light is a bit much, even though he likes it. So he turns on the dim light of the floor lamp next to the couch as well.

Finally, the door rings.

While waiting for Barba to come up, the excited jumps his heart had made for the last hour turns into an agitated dance.

How should he greet Barba? It is obvious what they are going to do so should he just go for it right away? Because quite frankly, Sonny has no intention to wait for it any longer. They could have a drink and hangout afterwards.

But then again, just throw himself at the man is not going to impress Rafael Barba.

“Hi”, Barba says and closes the door behind him.

“Hello”, Sonny greets back and puts his hands in his pockets. He notices a brown paper bag in Barba’s hand and wonders if it is from the same bodega Sonny had went to. “I hope I didn’t disrupt any Sunday evening plans.”

Barba’s eyes shoot to Sonny’s three-day stubble and Sonny’s heart skips a beat. He hadn’t shaved deliberately. Good choice.

“No”, Barba replies.

“Well, merry Advent”, Sonny wishes sheepishly.

“Yeah.”

Barba lets his eyes openly travel over Sonny’s body, from the top of his hair to tip of his toes, sending goosebumps all over his body.

If Barba would only kiss him already.

“Do you have to work early tomorrow morning?”, Barba asks.

“Uh…”, Sonny clears his throat. “I have to be at Riker’s at ten, probably won’t pop by the precinct before that.”

“Good”, Barba takes his phone out of his pocket and clicks on a few buttons. Then he takes off his coat, Sonny curses and is quick to help him.

“My Monday morning only says paper work, we can have a few drinks then.”

Sonny smiles and feels something in his chest relaxing. “Okay.” Sonny reaches out for the brown paper bag that Barba has brought along.

It’s unexpectedly heavy.

A bottle of Scotch for himself ( _how very friendly of him_ ), three bottles of lube, Aloe Vera, sensitive and eco-friendly and a big box.

Sonny takes it out and shows it to Barba.

It’s a hundred pack of condoms.

“What exactly are your plans?”

* * *

Barba stays.

He takes a shower afterwards, uses Sonny’s towel to dry himself and does not wear his pants back on.

He stays in boxers and wears his shirt over his undershirt, but does not button it up. He also wears his socks back on, a couple of navy blue color with neon green polka dots.

Openly, Sonny smiles at him. This must be comfortable Barba, in boxers and socks and still a dress shirt. Sonny finds him incredibly charming.

Sonny had made the bold decision to trust his genes that together with a little workout routine every now and then allow him to look quite presentable despite eating pasta nearly every day and so he does not wear a shirt at all.

And Sonny had played his cards right, because Barba’s eyes constantly travel away from his face and over his torso.

They sit on the couch, have their well-earned drinks and just talk. About their coworker’s drinking habits, about ex-lovers, the ones they had wanted and couldn’t have and the ones they had had, but better shouldn’t have had and finally about their bad luck.

“Seriously though, your intention?”

“How much more evidence do you need, detective?”

“Yeah, yeah, I get that and I also bought another box of condoms, but a small one and… I mean, we now have another one hundred and eleven condoms.”

“What happened to the strip I brought last time?”

“I actually have no idea.”

Slowly, they get drunk. Sonny has a hand permanently glued to the other man’s body. First on the man’s thigh, then on his hip, his waist, his bicep and on his shoulder before he gets bold. He places his palm on Barba’s cheek and with his thumb he strokes over the cheek bone. Barba continues with the conversation as if nothing is out of place, so Sonny lets his fingers explore Barba’s hair.

And most of all, Barba smiles. Without any calculation over whether he wants to look smug or menacing or sassy. No, simply genuine. As if he is happy. And as Sonny feels the muscles in his face aching, he knows that his own smile must be goofy and probably a little too much telling for Barba’s taste, but he has no way to turn it off.

“Will you finally kiss me?”, Barba suddenly interrupts him mid-sentence.

That’s something Sonny doesn’t need to be asked twice so his lips are on Barba’s before they form their own smile in response.

Sonny feels Barba’s warm palms on his bare back. Heat radiates from where Barba touches him. Their breaths are hot and Sonny feels like they are making out on his couch like teenagers for hours.

It is Barba who breaks the kiss.

He pulls off his shirt, undershirt and somehow graciously also his socks.

Barba lies down on the couch on his back, his head rests on the arm rest, his legs are slightly parted.

There are no words on his lips, but his stunningly green eyes tell Sonny everything he needs to know.

Barba invites him to take the lead.

Barba invites him to admire him.

And Sonny wants nothing else than to have the man in front of him.

So he shatters kisses all over his body, on every spot Sonny can reach. Lips, tongue, teeth tease and taste the beautiful bronze skin underneath him. Sonny’s teeth scratch over the soft belly, his tongue twirls around nipples, his lips suck at collarbones. Barba wraps his thighs around him and Sonny gets totally lost.

 _This_ , he thinks, _this must be it. This is heaven_.

Hot against Barba’s ear he whispers. Afraid to break the spell, he dares to speak nonetheless.

“You’re so fucking hot.”

* * *

Words of love wake Sonny up in the morning.

“Daddy, I’m hungry.”

Next to him in bed, behind his back, the comforter rustles violently. Sonny feels it tightening around him.

Sonny blinks and sees Leo still in his coat standing right in front of him. Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees blond hair quickly disappearing from the open door of the bedroom.

Sonny closes his eyes again.

“Why didn’t you have breakfast at Aunt Gina’s?”

“She said you forbade her to give me Nutella and she has nothing else in the house.”

Sonny sighs. “Give me a second, champ.”

“Daddy?”

“Hmmm.”

“Why is Uncle Rafi hiding under the blanket?”

Sonny looks over his shoulder to find the comforter looking suspiciously Barba shaped.

“I also don’t know.” Sonny looks back to his son and lowers his voice to a whisper. “Do you wanna ask him?”

“No, he doesn’t." A muffled voice resonates from underneath the comforter.

Sonny really tries not to, but his lips form an amused smirk when Leo starts to giggle in pure delight. He covers his mouth with a little hand and beams at his father with a sparkle in his eyes.

And Sonny has to admit that his son is right. This is _fantastic_.

“Okay, Leo, will you wait in the living room, please”, Sonny asks with a wink. Leo, after standing on tip toes to get a last glimpse at the grown man hiding under the comforter, nods.

“And tell Aunt Gina to leave before I kill her, please.”

“Okay.”

When the bedroom door closes behind Leo, Sonny turns to Barba and slowly pulls the comforter away.

He finds Barba underneath with his eyes squeezed shut.

“Why _are_ you hiding under the covers?”

“I didn’t want him to see me.”

“He’s four. What is he supposed to understand?”

Sonny chuckles and decides to press a kiss on Barba’s forehead right between the eyes. A dangerous path to go down as it turns out because Sonny cannot resist to keep kissing Barba’s morning grumpy face.

This is how Sonny had intended to wake up and just because he has only about thirty seconds for it doesn’t mean that Sonny shouldn’t have it anyway.

“Carisi.”

“Hmmm.”

“Unless you want to lock that door and get condom number one hundred and ten, stop it!”

Sonny sighs, closes his eyes for a moment and forces himself to part.

Barba in the morning with messy hair, tired eyes and naked. It aches Sonny that he is going to miss out on this.

Sonny just wears on his underwear, takes his phone from the nightstand and walks into the living room where he finds his son in front of the television and Gina gone. _Paw Patrol_ is on. Sonny shakes his head. Gina knows that he would never allow him television before breakfast.

He sends her a quick message. [ _Bitch_ ]

Barba enters the living room soon after with his clothes hurriedly worn back on and nervously stroking flat hands through his hair in an attempt to tame them.

Sonny knows better than to offer him breakfast.

“Good morning, Uncle Rafi.”

Barba looks like he got caught with one hand in the cookie jaw. “Good morning, Leo”, he grumbles.

“Did you sleep well?”

Sonny blushes. He knows that Leo must be imitating him, because that’s how their day starts every morning, but how to explain that to Barba?

“Yeah.”

Barba spares a short look to Sonny, nothing guilty or complaining. More something with a question, maybe helpless. And Barba not knowing what to do, isn’t that pure gold?

“Me too. I stayed at my Aunt Gina’s.”

“Okay”, Barba replies.

Again, Barba is cute when he is grumpy.

Especially when he had been fucked thoroughly the night before. Twice.

“I have a to go coffee mug, if you want.”

“Did your charming sister make coffee before she ran off?”

“No, I would need to make some now.”

“Forget it then, I just get one on the way.”

“As you wish.”

Sonny shrugs his shoulders. He knows better than to push Barba now and even does him the favor of turning his back to him, pretending to collect some things in the living room, while Barba uneasily gathers his coat and wears on his shoes.

“Goodbye, Leo.”

“Bye, Uncle Rafi.”

The anticipation for the goodbye is set bigger than it has potential to be with the entrance door literally being in the living area. Within two steps, the men stand in front of the door.

And Barba awkwardly lingers, he doesn’t reach for the door or even look at Sonny. His gaze is instead fixed on Leo.

“Sonny.”

And Sonny’s heart misses a beat because this is the first time that Barba uses his preferred name.

“We need to talk about this.”

Sonny’s heart sinks. _Oh_.

And by the way Barba still lingers, Sonny understands that he means now.

“Look.”

Barba scratches with his index finger over the bridge of his nose, looking again to Leo who is sitting on the couch totally caught up in his cartoon.

“Usually”, Barba wets his lips. “This is the point where I’d say that I understand this to be something casual…” Barba finally searches for Sonny eyes. He squares his shoulders. His expression firm. “Well, this is not true. Admittedly, normally I wouldn’t come back here a second time.”

_Third time technically._

Sonny's heart raises at an alarming rate. If this is meant to be flattering, it certainly doesn’t feel that way.

“But. I did. Anyway. So…”, Barba opens up the palms of his two hands and somehow gestures between the two of them.

With another glance back to the boy, Barba takes a deep breath.

“I don’t want to say it was fun… because, really, it was _nice_.” With what Barba weighs the last word, Sonny doesn’t know. “I mean… you know.”

Barba’s eyes are looking at him wide open and Sonny wonders if they had ever been this deep before. So soft. Had he ever been this blown away by them?

“Based on what you said the other day… in my office”, Barba clears his throat. “You’re not in for the casual thing.”

Sonny probably hadn’t moved an inch the whole time Barba had been talking. So probably, it is not obvious that his expression had frozen. Something in his chest had tightened. He felt like his throat had dried out, but he cannot swallow.

Unable to say a word, he shakes his head.

He would be, actually. Sonny had had no illusion about the man. He had never expected Barba to swallow his pride and jump head first into a foolish romance that would bump his reputation in all the wrong places. Not to mention that Sonny doesn't think that Barba is really in it with his whole heart.

But the thing between them is special, it _is_ nice. Barba had been sweet and cute, even though he wasn’t mad. Sonny is sure that Barba had felt comfortable. So yes, why not? Sonny would agree to whatever Barba is willing to give him. Just to see where it goes.

“Because this is where I stand.”

Barba lets out a deep breath and lifts his chin. A deep worry line forms between his eyes. He looks at Sonny expectingly.

Sonny understands that Barba is done talking now. It is his turn to say something and he swallows hard a couple of times in an effort to make the knot in his throat disappear.

Eventually he finds his voice, but it is still hoarse.

“I mean it’s not a condition. This is just.” Sonny stops short. _The beginning_ , he had meant to say. “I would, usually, just see where it goes. You know. Keep it going. You never know what happens.”

Now Sonny steals a look at his son.

Something hot starts to sting behind his eyes. He swallows again.

He understands what Barba is trying to do. Because he is right. That is what Sonny would have done. He would have agreed to casual and would have clutched at every straw Barba would have given him in hope that he would come around at some point. He would have gone on with this until it would eventually hurt too much. Or until he would have won Barba over. And he doesn’t really believe that he ever could or would win Barba over. But he would have tried. At least.

So Sonny understands what Barba is trying to do. He is not even trying to be the voice of reason. He does what he always does. He is looking at the things with a calculating eye and throws the wrecking ball of realism into the situation: _Just see it, it wouldn’t work_.

“But yeah, I have him.” Sonny points with his head to Leo.

Barba nods. He presses his lips together into a thin line and the furrow on his forehead deepens even more.

“And I’m not looking for a family. Not even for a relationship really.”

Sonny nods and looks away from him. There had been no need to spell it out.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Neither one of the men moves. If it wasn’t for _Paw Patrol_ , there would be silence in the room.

 _Wow_ , Sonny thinks, _this is how fast it ends_.

No Christmas miracle for him.

“Can I kiss you?”, he asks.

Not wasting a second, Barba nods.

Sonny gently cups Barba’s face and takes a moment to study it. Barba’s soft eyes stand in stark contrast to the stern expression on his face.

And then Sonny presses his lips on Barba’s. Gently and firmly at the same time. Barba melts into the touch of his hands and his lips.

He tastes sweet.

How can it be that the most perfect kiss he had ever had is a goodbye kiss?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who is reading, kudos and comments literally make my day. They are love!
> 
> The last chapter will be up at the end of Christmas because this is when this story will resolve.
> 
> Love loud!


	3. A giant plush lion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No Christmas miracle for Sonny?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where I live it is way past midnight, but here it is: This is my Christmas present to you, because you readers are simply the best!

* * *

 The kiss had lingered and with Barba leaning into the touch more and more, Sonny had for a moment even thought that Barba would take it all back and stay.

But of course, he doesn’t.

Their lips part, Barba locks eyes with him for a long moment and then he is gone.

From one second to the other, the man is gone, disappears behind a door and takes all his presence with him.

The door clicks softly into the lock.

For a while, Sonny stares at the door. There is nothing to find of course between the scratches of chipped paint that on one particular evening Leo had tormented even more with the Popeye figure that is now placed on a bookshelf wearing a Santa head. But Sonny needs to give his brain a moment to understand what his heart long has.

 _From Tuesday evening till Monday morning_. This is how long his love story had lasted. _Wow_.

With heavy steps, Sonny forces himself to walk to the couch and sits down next to his son.

His eyes rest on the cartoon and Sonny actually starts watching. He doesn’t care if Leo is going to be late for kindergarten. Or if he is going to be late for Riker’s. Sonny needs a time-out. His limbs, his arms, his hands, they feel so heavy. Sonny is not sure if he could move if he wanted to. Just for a few minutes, he needs to pretend that all of this hadn’t happened and give himself a rest. He needs to concentrate on _Paw Patrol_ for a bit.

“Daddy.”

“Mmm.”

“Can I ask you something?”

Sonny closes his eyes for a second. “Sure.”

“Is Uncle Rafi your boyfriend?”

Sonny suddenly feels hot everywhere, not on his skin, but from the inside as if his organs are planning to burn up. It makes his stomach churn, it makes him feel sick.

Sonny forces himself out of his stiffness and turns his body towards his son. With great effort he lifts his hand that feels like it has a weight chained to it. The only reason why his hand follows his demand is by the promise to touch Leo’s hair.

“No.”

With gentle, but quick strokes Sonny moves his fingers through his son’s hair. Leo is blessed with the kind of golden, angel-like blond hair that only children can have. But in winter time, the color of his hair tips more towards light brown. It won’t be until the summer sun returns that they will shine golden again.

“I wanted him to be. But…”

Sonny keeps his eyes fixated on the spot where his fingers mess in some imagined coherent line through Leo’s hair, as if they are trying to fix them.

“Why did he sleep in your bed then?”

The question stings, right behind Sonny’s eyes. It comes along with a salty taste in his mouth.

Zealously, he keeps stroking Leo’s hair.

“I like him very much.”

“But shouldn’t you wear…”

“It’s not about that”, Sonny interrupts him. Then he sighs and thinks better of himself. “It’s one thing if you dress nice because you want someone you like to notice you. But it doesn’t make them like you.”

Leo finally shrugs his father’s hand off his head and looks at him inquiringly.

“Keep that in mind, son.”

Leo rolls his eyes. He looks back to the TV and follows the story for a minute or two. Then he turns back to Sonny to ask something, but his father doesn’t let him.

“Would you like that though?”

Sonny now searches for the smart blue eyes of his son.

“That, maybe, if I find a boyfriend or girlfriend. And maybe even, if we start to love each other that - but it’s not a promise however - just maybe it could happen, that we would have children. I mean, you would have siblings.”

“You mean like you have your sisters?”

“Yeah.”

Leo thinks for a second, but then nods confidently. “Yeah, I would like that.”

The taste in Sonny’s mouth has turned into something rather bittersweet, but he smiles. “Good.”

“Because sometimes it gets a bit boring just with you all the time.”

Sonny knows that Leo had said this much probably with the pure intention to simply encourage his father’s earlier suggestion. So Sonny forces himself to put a smile onto his lips, but he only manages to purse them.

Leo had already turned his attention back to the TV, seemingly he is fully back in the world of canine rescue groups. Sonny’s eye lids feel heavy and he feels a slight headache that, so much he hopes, originates from the six pack of beer he had killed the night before. He forces his brain to concentrate on the story where puppies are fire fighters and police men and do not have a care in the world about lovers breaking up with them before breakfast.

“I like Uncle Rafi.”

The pressure behind Sonny’s eyes intensifies impossibly. His vision begins to become blurry. Sonny blinks. He cannot explain how but somehow it does the trick. The tears are not falling.

Words from the mouth of his son, how could Sonny have known that they would be the ones to go for the kill?

“Just watch TV for ten minutes, okay?”

Sonny leans back again and occupies his eyes with Kapt’n Turbot, Skye and Co. He needs this time-out. Just for a while, he wants to do nothing else than watch TV.

“Daddy, I’m hungry.”

He cannot believe that a few minutes ago he would have thrown himself at Barba. It would have been profoundly wrong.

All the single mothers at Leo’s kindergarten talk about it. Sonny had even spent more than a couple of afternoons with a so called support group for single mothers discussing the love life of said single mothers. The message had always taken various forms of _you deserve to be happy, too_. The seemingly endless bottles of pink prosecco hadn’t been able to water the dried out sentiment. Sonny wonders now if maybe this sentiment is too true to be discerned easily.

“I'll prepare you something.”

Sonny gets up and walks to the kitchen. There he leans against the counter and does nothing.

And the theory is also simple. Get a babysitter, date. Have sex, just use a condom and go to their place. Keep them separate from your child, until you are comfortable.

And what does that even mean?

Sonny finds it a profound impossibility to keep your child separate from all this. Sure, Sonny could have done a bit more planning, succumb to less spontaneity and actually bother to lock his bedroom door, but other than that? How is that even possible? If you are not fully in it, why bother at all?

It’s not just that Sonny has had no time to date since Leo. His child has filled up such a big part of his life that he simply didn’t feel like. Not to mention his overwhelming job that forces him - and he is happy to do so - to give all of him every single day. Lacking are not just energy, intention or motive, but even the most substantial entities like time and space.

So, if Sonny is honest to his heart, it had been an absolute bliss that he had had Barba. No matter how short, and admittedly how hopeless. He had tasted Barba.

His phone buzzes with an answer from Gina: [ _He says after a mouthful of dick_ ].

Sonny sighs again.

Something green on the kitchen counter catches his eye. It’s a wrinkled half an avocado under tinfoil and Sonny guesses that if Leo is really that hungry he will eat anything.

Glad to have found something to focus on, Sonny grabs for the wholemeal toast and a knife, a fork, a plate and prepares avocado toast.

When he presents his choice of breakfast to his son, Sonny - as expected - receives a facial distortion when Leo twists his little mouth.

“Leo, don’t annoy me, will you? Just eat it.”

Sonny must have played his cards right, because Leo does eat it.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything.”

“If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, they would sleep in your bed, right?”

“Probably, yeah.”

“Does that mean if I have a bad dream, I cannot come over?”

Sonny’s eyes shoot to his son’s. He smiles with that mixture of astonishment, regret and fondness, a common emotional turmoil that the smart minds of children throw their grown-ups into.

Finally, he sees the question for what it is, sweet.

“You can always come over, champ.”

“But…” And his son matches the smile of his father. With a lowered voice he asks: “What about the other one?”

“I just kick them out.” And Sonny demonstrates the logistics of his promise by lifting a leg and kicking into thin air.

Leo bursts out in laughter at the image of it. He even spits some half chewed avocado toast into his father’s face. And Sonny laughs along, loud and shattering.

“You’re my number one”, he says and reaches for Leo’s head to kiss him on the forehead.

It isn’t until they leave the building and the cold December air hits him that Sonny is able to take a deep breath.

It is then when he decides that he will simply go on.

So with this morning when Sonny had his heart broken, his life just continues to be the turmoil of messes that it always has been.

Leo is late for kindergarten. A freckled teacher with short ginger curls complains about it as if there is anything that Sonny could change given that the fact had already happened.

He also arrives late at Riker’s, but Fin doesn’t complain because he had been able to spend thirty minutes with his Twitter account while not just being paid for it but also while having a good excuse for it, it was someone else’s - not to mention a single father’s - fault. The only thing for Fin to do to keep up an appearance of some kind of professionalism is to not look content.

That in turn is the look the perp they are going to interview is wearing because he had spent that half an hour in a waiting area apart from the rest of the prison population, giving him something that the detectives sitting opposite him had longed for and received to various degrees this morning: silence.

Sonny even sees Barba later that day.

The lawyer dressed as sharp as usual, or maybe even sharper with a shades of pink combination in shirt, tie and pocket square, drops by the precinct to be walked through a bunch of new evidence.

And it is like it always has been. He rolls eyes, he listens, he screams “I need more evidence”. And he even stands too close to him when he takes Sonny aside into a little moment apart from the rest of the detectives to go through whatever it is on the evidence board that Barba needs to have explained more thoroughly.

Sonny feels the heat of Barba’s body next to him and he smells his cologne.

And Sonny thinks that this is good. They would be colleagues and every now and then, they would stand too close to each other and smell each other’s cologne.

He can do this.

So Sonny does what he has always done. He steals glances at Barba all week and asks from him what he has always asked: His opinion, his approval and something that tips conspicuously towards flirty.

And just like that, the week turns out to be good. Sonny ignores the ache in his chest, the twitch in his hands and the unsteadiness of his eyes when Barba is around. Instead Sonny embraces the memory, he lets his mind wander back to the nights he had had with this man and finds himself to feel unbelievably content about it.

It isn’t until the evening of third Advent when he drives the Manhattan based Carisis back from Staten Island when he starts to feel the sting again.

“Want me to babysit again?” Gina winks at him.

“No”, Sonny answers simply and keeps his gaze fixed on the road.

His sister’s warm hand covering his own on the wheel is triggering the pain back in full force.

* * *

The group chat though stays silent. Even more unanticipated than Sonny not texting is probably his sisters not asking. Sonny takes it for what it is, a welcomed stay of execution and even more so dumb luck.

It is Monday morning when Sonny brings Barba files along with his morning coffee that he realizes that he hasn’t seen Barba smile since.

Does he _talk_ to someone?

Hopefully not to the Lieu. With dread Sonny realizes that they should have talked about this before.

They should have put _any_ consideration into this at all.

In his weeklong dilemma of feeling absolutely besotted about having been with Barba and feeling hurt for being so stupid to feel enamored about it, Sonny had spent no thought or even a glimpse of attention on the man.

How is Barba doing?

Not just by the way Barba had looked at him, but also by the things he had said Sonny knows that Barba had not walked away light-heartedly. By making it perfectly clear that Barba had walked away _because of_ something he does not want, a family, he had also revealed that he was walking away _from_ something that he does not want, something casual.

There in the middle of Barba’s office, between open doors and Carmen rubbing documents under Barba’s nose, unnoticed by the business of the day, Sonny lets out a sigh from the depth of his chest.

It doesn’t even matter what Barba had said. Sleeping together, Sonny had felt it. This had not been a man who just wanted to get off.

Sonny stands in Barba’s office with a heavy heart and even heavier feet for a few minutes in a scene in which he is neither wanted nor noticed.

Because Rita Calhoun and a follow ADA had suddenly joined Barba with pressing noses into Carmen’s documents, Sonny allows himself to close his eyes for a second.

He had forgotten how good it feels to be touched. To be entangled with a warm body, to feel skin on skin. Now he wishes he could forget the urge again, because Sonny is longing. Not just for the touch of a lover, but for Barba’s naked skin.

 _From Tuesday evening till Monday morning_ , Sonny thinks again.

While Calhoun and the other ADA, a tall man with a hooked nose who in his gray tartan suit unintentionally looks like Sherlock Holmes, are standing on each side of Barba and still have their heads ducked over the document that he is holding, Sonny notices Barba’s gaze fixed on him.

Annoyance at display. A simple look, so pure of disdain:  _What the fuck are you still doing here?_

Sonny quickly calculates in his head. Five and a half days. That is how long his love story had lasted.

And how long would it take to get over it?

Sonny nods to Barba which receives him a pointed no-reaction. Unnecessarily, Sonny waves his hand before he leaves Barba’s office.

No Christmas miracle for him.

* * *

Christmas is maybe the spirit that makes Sonny find an excuse to stop by Barba’s office on Friday, the last day before the weekend and the following Christmas holidays.

Sonny knows he should leave it, they are doing well and that is a good thing. Just the other day, they had even been alone together in an elevator. Barba had compared him to Erin Brockovich for some over-achieving query of his about their perp’s conditions in prison and Sonny had even received a ghost of that genuine smile he had missed so much, not to mention Barba’s promise to get the perp transferred to another prison so that he wouldn’t need to be incarcerated with his own abuser.

But inexplicitly Sonny urges for some kind of interaction with Barba that has nothing to do with work. Whatever he hopes to achieve by that.

So Sonny hands all the leverage he had brought with him to Barba standing opposite him behind his desk: The files, the explanations for them, the coffee, the cannoli and finally the obligatory "Merry Christmas".

His short visit had been interrupted by a call from the DA that Barba had answered with a sour smile, an actual visit by a pimpled public defender that Barba had met with the bare minimum of attention and another call, apparently from his mother at whom - if Sonny’s modest knowledge about the Spanish language doesn’t fool him – Barba seems to be angry at because he repeatedly insisted on “I won’t eat that” ( _No voy a comer eso_ ).

Somewhere along the lack of attention Barba offers him, Sonny realizes how foolish he is trying to be and decides to leave.

“Merry Christmas, counselor”, Sonny says and turns around.

He is nearly at the door, when he hears Barba’s voice.

“Carisi.”

“Yes?”

“A word?”

“Sure.”

Sonny had said this much and turned around, but he doesn’t close the distance between them yet. Instead, he stands across the office near the door. Waiting with a pumping heart.

Barba scratches his five o’clock shadow and then throws a hand in the air as if to tell himself to screw it.

“Are you okay?”

Sonny is taken aback for a moment. He thinks and then walks towards Barba’s desk.

The unspoken preamble is straightforward. Of course, Sonny is heartbroken and assumedly he is taking it too hard. And while Barba is right about both, Sonny is all the more surprised when he answers honestly.

“Yeah, I am.”

Sonny studies Barba’s face. His brows are drawn together, a stern look that is stressed by a hand placed on his hip and the file placed in his other hand. There, standing behind his desk Barba is ready to resume going back to normal working life at any point.

But his green eyes give him away.

“It’s because…”, Barba bites his lips. “I know I am most of the time, but…” He takes a deep breath. “I was really not trying to be an asshole back there.”

Sonny tilts his head.

“I mean, I realize I was the one who both started and ended it -”

“No, no, I wanted it, too.”

“- rather suddenly.”

“It’s really okay, Barba. No need for regrets.”

“And I want you to know that it's not because of the boy.” Barba makes sure to lock eyes with him. “I mean, I can’t stand kids, but he is… bearable.”

From any other person, Sonny would be offended, but from Barba’s mouth this is… still not a compliment. 

“It’s just… we want different things.”

“We’re on the same page.” Sonny lifts his two hands in what he hopes is a soothing gesture.

“I just… I don’t want to interfere.” And Barba scratches his cheek again, before his hand falls back to his hip. “I feel… _conflicted_. Because he saw me there. Did he ask about me?”

Sonny gives him a wry smile. “There was nothing shameful to see.”

Barba looks at him for a long moment and seems to decide to not push the subject.

“How is he?”

“He’s fine.” Sonny shifts his weight. “I’ve been mashing broccoli with potato. Like this he eats it.” Barba nods. And in a sudden epiphany that Barba may have meant his son’s previous illness, he adds: “And there was no need for antibiotics, we pee without burning again.” Sonny bumps his fist in the air.

Barba with an unchanged expression nods again.

He closes the file in his hands.

“I just feel like, I should get him a Christmas present or something. You know, because I was at your place and all.”

“Well, you should do that one way or the other, _Uncle Rafi_.” Sonny’s feigned accusation is met with a delightful pout on Barba’s end. “But don’t.”

Barba’s expression falls into the depths of something that Sonny identifies somewhere along the spectrum between guilt and shame. An inquiring look sent to Sonny meant to uncover his earlier claims cannot stop the steep dive.

“With now it being like this.” Sonny vaguely gestures between them. “I don’t want him to ask.”

Barba nods again, but now the effort neither comes fast nor easy as if some kind of invisible force is slowing him down.

“But we are okay? I mean, we can still do our jobs. Together.”

“Sure. Yeah.” Sonny is quick to nod encouragingly.

The two words had been born out of honesty, so Sonny doesn’t feel the need to elaborate. When he doesn’t, Barba out of bashfulness maybe lowers his gaze and reopens the file.

Sonny is not happy about the sudden unease that has come over this situation. Like an imaginary weight it presses on the tops of their heads and Sonny knows for it to linger. He will walk out of this office and his steps will again be heavy limbed, his heart, his eyelids, they will again feel heavy.

And Sonny doesn’t want to go back to that.

“Although…”

Barba looks up.

“I have to admit, it’s kinda hard now that I know what you look like under your suit.”

Their chuckles come as fast as they come easy and match each other in being pleasant and freeing. Both of their cheeks burn up in a delightful flush. Their eyes meet and find an agreement in the sweet memory they share.

Sonny hears his own heartbeat in his ears.

It is Barba who looks away first. He nods and starts to study the file in his hand. Well, Barba cannot fool anyone, he just looks at it.

“Are _you_ okay?”

Barba looks up and snorts: “You’re almost charming.” He slightly shakes his head and pretends to read again.

Sonny almost feels the moment his detective brain is kicking in. Maybe his posture is more stiff than confident and Sonny wonders whether Barba even knows what case the file in his hand is about. He cannot pinpoint it to something specific, but everything about Barba just screams: _suspicious_.

“ _Are_ you?”

Barba only looks up for a mere second. “Yes, of course.”

Sonny doesn’t believe him.

Sonny studies Barba _standing_ behind his desk stubbornly fixing his gaze onto the paper in his hand and he doesn’t believe _a single thing_.

But for his own sanity, Sonny decides to walk away.

Without wishing him Merry Christmas, for real this time, Sonny leaves Barba’s office.

* * *

On Saturday, Sonny has a few hours alone to himself, because Amanda had insisted on having Noah and Leo over for “their favorite aunt’s special Christmas” – only when Leo would come back later covered in paint and glitter and his breath smelling of cotton candy, Sonny would get an idea what “special” means at Aunt Amanda’s.

Acting on a sudden impulse of Christmas Spirit, Sonny decides to clean out their little apartment and donate the stuff they don’t need anymore to someone in need. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Sonny that this is a cliché thing to do after a break-up. But then again, what kind of memories is he supposed to get rid of after only spending three nights together?

Sonny starts with his tiny closet and realizes that there are indeed many clothes in it that Barba wouldn’t approve of.

He gets rid of them all.

Sonny is done with Leo’s tiny room quickly. He doesn’t like to drown his son in toys, so he simply doesn’t have a lot of stuff. Sonny sorts out a few old toys, but most of them go into an actual garbage bag and not into the donation bag.

Leo’s old clothes that he had grown out of are already piling up in the back of the closet. Sonny contemplates for a long time. These clothes should go to younger family members. But Teresa, of course, won’t have any more children. Mia, expectantly, wouldn’t have some for another decade or so and Gina, for the love of god, shouldn’t have any. Bella is pregnant again, but it is going to be a girl.

Which leaves him to the final question: Is _he_ going to have more children?

Sonny knows how stupid it is to actually think that with Barba all his chances had gone downhill. Because, hands down, there had never been any chances uphill with Barba. But Sonny’s shuttering sigh cannot suppress the ache in his chest.

Just _thinking_ about it makes him feel uncomfortable.

 _No_. These lines of thought need to go.

There is no space in their tiny Manhattan apartment anyway, so Sonny decides that the old clothes will go.

He puts them all in a big bag and places them next to the entrance door, still uncertain if they are going to be donated or doomed to rot in a Staten Island basement.

The living area is a room full of sentiments, things that are either used every day or if not so thrown away right away anyway. So Sonny just collects some old papers, crumbled Kleenex and a broken picture frame and puts it all in a garbage bag and continues his cleaning streak in the bathroom.

An old comb, empty toilet paper rolls, old razor blades, a bottle of cream he had never used and some tooth brushes, all of them actually, because not just could Leo and Sonny use new ones, he has absolutely no idea who had used the other four ones.

As a matter of fact, Sonny is one of those persons who like it clean and tidy, but then life gets in the way. Life meaning Leo.

Sonny is quite happy with how quickly and easily he manages to reorganize the bathroom, until he turns to the top shelf of the cabinet.

There it is.

One hundred and ten condoms and four bottles of lube.

They had opened the eco-friendly one.

Even while not being able to keep their lips off each other, they had discussed which one to use. Sonny doesn’t really remember the grounds on which their decision had been based on. But eco-friendly had been the choice. They had chosen by default maybe.

Rationally, he knows that it would be a complete waste to throw them all away, but on the other hand Sonny had spent the last two weeks sparing smiles for these items every now and then. And isn’t that exactly the spirit that he should get rid of?

And he cannot really donate condoms and lube. Who would he give condoms to? _(The answer would be Gina obviously.)_ Condoms, at least a lot of people need them for different reasons, but the lube?

Sonny sighs. He puts all the items in a separate garbage bag and places them next to Leo’s old clothes at the entrance door.

_I would never manage to use all of them before they expire anyway._

* * *

Leo and Sonny pass over to Staten Island on the fourth Sunday of Advent. Christmas Eve the next day disappears into a rush of close, distant and more distant relatives coming over and results in an overtly tiring midnight Mass.

The Carisis have the first day of Christmas to themselves, the parents, the four siblings, one with a significant other and three children. But even in the cozy atmosphere of ten people, the day is fatiguing. After a feast of food prepared by the hands of _Ma_ , tiredness flushes over the Carisis with an immense force.

Tiredness for the children in form of sleep, for adults in form of alcohol.

Sonny feels utterly grateful when Leo is finally tenderly tucked into bed. He sleeps in the top bunk in the old room that Sonny used to share with Bella. Mia, although eighteen years old but per definition still a child of the family, sleeps in the bottom bunk. Bella, Tommy and their toddler Lisa sleep in Gina and Teresa’s old room. The two sofas to depart in the living room provide enough space for Teresa, Gina and Sonny who are, unfortunately, neither young enough to be spoiled nor old enough to not be bothered or, more precisely, single enough to have to settle for with what’s left.

Nevertheless, an air mattress is waiting for Sonny in his father’s study. Nevertheless meaning in case the Carisi sisters will decide to switch to Martini after the bottle of Amaretto is finished. Or better say “Martini”. It is just going to be Vodka in a Martini glass.

Closing the door of his old room behind him, the first thing he does is checking his phone. Luckily, he is not on call this year but if they would catch a case, Sonny has no doubt that the Lieu would call him anyway.

Sonny scrolls through his unread messages, mostly “Merry Christmas” from various people and a few photos of Jesse posing with her new toys. One particular old message from the day before catches Sonny’s eyes. While putting up their stockings the day before, Sonny had felt a sudden wish to reach out to Barba.

Sonny hadn’t debated with himself for very long, because if they hadn’t done what they had done, he would have. Sonny would have probably even given Barba a call to personally wish him a pleasant Christmas.

Sonny hadn’t done that. Instead he had sent [ _Merry Christmas to you_ ] and had idiotically attached a picture of the Christmas tree in front of Staten Island Mall.

Sonny had felt like a fool right away. He simply shouldn’t have, because they had done what they had done.

This is why he had felt that weird mixture of delight and disenchantment when an answer from " _ADA Rafael Barba"_ had popped up on his screen. [ _Merry Christmas_ ]

This is when Sonny had realized that he misses Barba.

And what is there to miss really? He had only fed his son broccoli once.

Adding to his misery, Sonny realizes soon that Gina must have talked behind his back. Because everyone knows.

Ma, after two prosecco (his sisters did not inherit their drinking genes from her) and a day full of preparing sinfully delicious food, excuses herself to bed early. With burning cheeks, glistering eyes and a goofy smile, she makes sure to hug all her children thoroughly. Her son is the last one to receive an embrace.

“I’m so proud of you, son”, she mutters into Sonny’s ears.

“Merry Christmas, son”, she continues.

“Leo is a jolt of joy.” She pulls Sonny into another hug. “You’re a great father.”

The last sentiment, she whispers: “I hope for you to have more children. In whatever way.”

“Thank you, Ma. You’re the best grandmother. Merry Christmas.”

In front of the fridge from where Tommy is stealing three bottles of beer with the excuse of needing to stay back in the room by his sleeping daughter’s side, his brother-in-law pads him on the shoulder and actually says: “Heads up, at least you got back into the game, tiger.”

Even his father with whom Sonny shares seven beers at the kitchen table over anecdotes of Dominick Senior’s last days as a patrol cop in Staten Island which coincides with Dominick Junior’s first days as a patrol cop in Staten Island asks him: “You’ve been alone for quite some time now, son…”

“I’m really okay, Dad.”

With his father also schlepping himself up the stairs to join his wife into comatose sleep, Sonny decides to get to the bottom of the matter and check on his sisters.

So he opens the door that leads into the backyard and is met with the chatter of his two older sisters.

“Maybe you’re wrong there.”

“No, Bella sent me a pic before.”

“So, why didn’t he say anything?”

Sonny closes the door behind him rather pointedly.

Gina and Teresa, both balancing a cigarette between their fingers, turn around. Shame for being overheard doesn’t exist in the Carisi sister’s range of emotions, instead Sonny is met with lightened up faces.

Gina pads a flat hand on the garden chair next to her.

“Hey Sonny! Come sit.”

Hurryingly, the two of them take a last puff of their cigarettes before they press them into an ashtray.

 _Great_ , he thinks. _Everyone knows I had sex_.

Defeated, Sonny sits down. His two older sisters sit across from him at the table. Only the light from the kitchen shimmers onto the backyard.

“So what the fuck happened with Barba?”, Gina asks rather harshly.

“Here”, Teresa says and slides a glass with a red-brownish liquid over to him. “That’s the last one.”

“Well, Gina.” Sonny wets his lips. “You saw him in my bed the other morning, so I guess you can all guess about the preamble leading to that.”

Sonny watches his white breath twirling into the black December air.

His headaches usually start in the middle of his right brow and from there stretch over his skull. The cold air though presses against his forehead, thereby effectively sedating any pain.

“So you guys just _fucked_?” Gina’s face is a face of triumph and she is so pleased with herself that she lights another cigarette, well knowing that her brother hates the smell. Her manicured hands wrap around a mug that, so Sonny is sure, contains Vodka. _Where are the Martini glasses?_ , he wonders.

“Apparently.”

Despite the poor source of light, Sonny sees the deep worry line on Teresa’s forehead. “But you not gonna do it again?”, his oldest sister asks.

Sonny now takes an actual sip of the terribly sweet Amaretto with cherry juice, a rather long sip actually.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“He called it off.”

“ _Oh Sonny_ …”

Sonny ducks. He hadn’t heard his younger sister Bella joining them. She had been in the house, probably with her husband and daughter. She has a bottle of beer with her that she puts in front of her brother on the table.

Bella places one hand into Sonny’s hair and starts playing with it. A soothing gesture that had always made Sonny feel like one of her dolls. Nevertheless Bella had practiced the sentiment on her brother as long as they can remember.

Teresa moves her chair closer to Sonny and places one hand of hers on his biceps. Gina reaches over the table to cover Sonny’s hand with hers.

An artist’s heart must start to beat faster at the sight of the scene. An old, not shabby, but very simple Staten Island backyard in nearly complete dark. Breaths and cigarette smoke cutting in white curls through the black night. Three women around a man, each one of them placed a hand on either his head, biceps or hand. The picture one could paint!

“Bella, sit.” Sonny suddenly jumps up to get another garden chair.

“No way, I’m not sitting. My sciatic nerve is killing me.”

A common problem during Carisi pregnancies, Sonny knows this much. But still.

“You gonna ice that kid outta your belly there.”

“And freezing my vagina to that chair is gonna change that?”

The maybe three minute break-up conversation of two weeks ago stretches into an hour where he and his sisters turn around every word that Barba had said. The Carisi sisters make arguments and have opinions, but they don’t draw conclusions. Masterly – _What did his face look like? Is that like him? Maybe it was something you said._ – they also analyze all the things Barba had not said. With what result?

“Do you think it was because of Leo?”

Sonny doesn’t even know which sister had whispered the question, but he nods.

_Gina: That dick! He’s not worth it then!_

_Teresa: So no need to feel bad, that’s a good reason. Your child is more important._

_Bella: I’m really sorry, Sonny. You must feel terrible._

_Sonny: I think he felt guilty because Leo saw him._

In the end, Sonny is nowhere near a better understanding of his short fling, but surely in a lighter state of heart.

Sonny finishes both the Amaretto and his beer.

“Bella, you’re pregnant. Stop standing in the dark.”

Admittedly, Sonny had also stolen half a Vodkatini from Teresa.

When Sonny stands up – “Someone has to get up early tomorrow.” – Gina sighs deeply.

“What? As if you get up at half past six to feed my four year old”, Sonny snaps at her.

“No.” Gina sighs again. “And no. I was not gonna tell you, but just so you know, Leo has a strip of condoms in his school bag.”

 _Oh. So he found the missing strip of condoms_.

* * *

Sonny ends up sleeping on one of the couches, because he is simply too tired to walk up the stairs.

And of course, he cannot sleep. He feels tipsy, but he is not drunk enough to simply pass out and of course, all of his thoughts circle around Barba.

He thinks that Barba is profoundly wrong. The way Barba approaches this, Sonny thinks, it is not right.

They want different things.

 _Do they?_ Or more precisely: _Do they even know?_

A relationship doesn’t start out with a bargain. It is not like negotiating terms for signing a contract. Love cannot blossom if it is restricted by promises neither one of them knows if they could keep. Love is indeed suffocated if restricted by conditions.

No, everything that is supposed to come is born between kisses, in tight embraces and under gentle touches. Lovers share their time, don’t hold themselves back and thereby they either start walking on the same path or they don’t.

Who knows what you end up wanting?

But of course, Barba doesn’t think so. He does what he always does. He looks at the facts, makes up his mind and acts in his best interest. He may even turns off his emotions to do so.

Only that this, what they had, is no situation to handle cold-heartedly.

Because as far as Sonny sees it, they had been very much on the same path when their combined force had come up with one hundred and twelve condoms and four bottles of lube.

But of course, these thoughts lead nowhere.

* * *

On the evening of the second day of Christmas, Sonny insists to drive back. Christmas is great and his family is great, but there is a limit to everything.

Especially when Leo is feeding on Christmas chocolate only.

As Gina had decided to spend the evening with Mia and Teresa at their house in Staten Island, Sonny and Leo drive back to Manhattan with Bella and Tommy. The car lets them out around three blocks away from their home. As it is not dark yet, father and son can have a little walk.

“I think grandpa cheated.”

“I don’t think so”, Sonny smirks. Actually, Mia had cheated during their little card game, but as it had gone unnoticed by both Leo and Dominick Sr., the ex-cop, Sonny hadn’t said anything. One day, he will use Mia’s talent to his advantage.

“He wants me to learn chess”, Leo continues.

“It’s a smart game.”

“But why, daddy?” Leo shakes his head. “If he cheats, what is the point?”

Sonny shrugs his shoulder with an amused smile.

Even though it is not dark yet, it is extremely cold. Sonny feels like his toes are going to fall off from the cold and he distantly hopes his son doesn’t feel the same. Luckily, they just have to turn around this last corner and their apartment building will be across the street.

This is when he sees him.

In front of their building waiting is Barba.

_It’s Barba._

Sonny can see that he is cold. His cheeks are red and he doesn’t wear a hat. Sonny guesses that Barba had foregone the hat because he wanted to look good for this moment. Which he definitely does.

And Barba’s gloved hands are wrapped around a giant plush lion.

_A giant plush lion!_

As fast as he can, Sonny ducks behind a parking car.

“Daddy, what is it?”

“Shhhh.”

“Did you see a criminal?”

“For Christ’s sake, be quiet, Leo.”

“Are you gonna pull your weapon?”

“Oh, Leo, look there, a cat in a dumpster.” Sonny points to a dumpster nearby. It does the trick, because Leo turns away.

Sonny slowly looks up from behind the car. Barba hadn’t noticed them.

 _Good_.

Sonny takes out his phone and takes a picture of Barba waiting in front of his building.

He knows nobody would care, but he kind of wants to tweet this picture out into the world for everyone to see and mostly to preserve.

_This is Rafael Barba being kind._

_To me_.

Then, Sonny checks himself out in the side view-mirror of the parked car he is hiding behind.

His face has the color of a lobster and there are big bags under his eyes. He takes off his beanie. His hair is a mess, because he hadn’t bothered to put any product in it after he had woken up with a small hangover in the morning. Sonny strokes through his hair a couple of times, but there is nothing to do. It’s a disaster.

But then again, it’s enough to match the romance of a giant plush lion.

He puts a flat palm in front of his mouth and huffs. At least his breath is acceptable.

“Leo!”

Sonny catches his son, trying to climb into the dumpster.

“What?”

“What are you doing?”

“I can’t see the cat!”

“Just come here.”

Sonny takes his son by his hand and when he turns around, he sees that Barba has noticed them.

Sonny knows it, but he cannot help himself. He knows that all his dimples are on display, his mouth is widened so much that his cheeks hurt. His eyes are squinted and he can feel his own eye lashes on his skin. Sonny knows that he is basically carrying his heart on a silver platter. But he can't help it and quite frankly, he doesn't care.

“Don’t look so pleased”, Barba greets him after they had crossed the street.

“Hello Uncle Rafi!”

“Hi Leo." Barba spares a little smile for the boy.

“How long have you been waiting here?”, Sonny asks.

“Just ten minutes or something”, and when Sonny raises a brow, Barba quickly admits: “Okay, half an hour. Not more than forty five minutes.”

“You could have called”, Sonny smiles.

“Then I would have stolen the thunder of this big gesture”, Barba says pursing his lips.

 _Big gesture?_  Sonny is not going to tell him that this is far away from what he understands from a big gesture, but it doesn’t matter because Sonny cannot help himself finding this, all of this, incredibly cute.

Especially the look on Barba’s face. The warm features of a cold-bitten face with large, soft green eyes. Barba knowing that he is making a fool of himself and feeling absolutely embarrassed about it. This is all mindblowingly cute.

“Uncle Rafi, who is this for?” Leo points to the giant plush lion in Barba’s arm.

“Uh. This is for you.”

“Is it a Christmas present?” Leo’s eyes light up. Stunned, he looks between his father and Uncle Rafi as if to make sure that this is not a dream.

“Yes, it is”, Barba says and awkwardly hands him the plush lion.

“Wow!” The lion is nearly as big as the kid himself and Sonny knows that this is part of the reason why his son already loves it so much.

Now, with his hands free and his son distracted, Sonny steps closer to Barba.

“I’m not looking smug, it’s called being happy”, he says.

Barba also steps closer and unbuttons Sonny’s coat. “Is that so?” Barba lets his hands slide underneath the coat, placing them on each of Sonny’s sides, simply to exploits the heat of the body to warm up his hands.

Sonny nods. His heart pumps so fast that he can hear his blood rush in his ears. He studies Barba’s face, Barba who seems to be extremely cold and must feel absolutely grumpy about it. And Sonny finds him absolutely _beautiful_.

Sonny lowers his head to meet Barba who has already lifted his chin halfway, but their lips do not meet.

“Uncle Rafi?”

They both stop short. Barba looks at Sonny a bit dumbstruck and Sonny can see the exact moment that Barba realizes that Leo had called his name and not his father’s.

“What?”, Barba asks and turns around to look at Leo. 

“Are you gonna stay at our place tonight?”

“Uh.” Barba clears his throat and steals a short look to Sonny who is doing his best to not give away how absolutely lovely he finds this little scene. “That was kind of my plan, yeah.”

“You can”, Leo generously permits him.

“Okay”, Barba says and with a smile turns to Sonny again.

“Uncle Rafi?”

“Yes?”

“Are you daddy’s boyfriend now?”

“Well, I’m trying to be.”

Leo raises a brow and Sonny finally decides to give Barba some slack.

“Is that okay? If Uncle Rafi is going to be around, you know, a lot?”, Sonny asks his son.

Leo nods enthusiastically.

“Then yes”, Sonny smiles. “He’s my boyfriend.” Under his coat, he feels cold fingers burying into his sides. And Sonny finds himself to like Barba's hands there. “Play with your toy for a bit, okay?”, Sonny says to Leo.

“Okay.”

Sonny’s eyes are back at Barba who is still holding Sonny in his warmth claiming embrace.

“Look”, Barba starts. “I still can’t promise anything, but…” Barba sighs and turns to look at Leo for a moment. “But I know what you want.”

Sonny nods understandingly. Promises are never what Sonny had wanted because who knows if they will turn out to be empty. But _this,_ this is important. To go in with open eyes and more so open hearts. Honestly and without holding back, this is how they need to go into this. And Sonny thinks that, finally, they are indeed on the same page. And right in this moment, he wants nothing more than to finally kiss these soft lips.

“I just fell in love with you.”

Barba had only whispered, but Sonny’s heart is hammering wildly. His thoughts are running. He cannot handle the happiness that is rushing through him. He cannot believe how lucky he is. All he can think about is kissing Barba.

And Barba’s lips are slightly parted. Sonny lowers his head and slowly approaches Barba’s lips.

“Uncle Rafi!”

Before their lips can touch, they part.

“Did you know that my name also means lion?”

“Leo, I swear to god, if you don’t let your father kiss the last sense out of me, I’m going to freak out.”

Sonny lets out a surprised chuckle and Leo looks rather confused.

“I’m sorry”, Barba says and closes his eyes for a moment to collect himself. “Yes, I did know that. Now would you turn around please?”

“Huh?” Leo looks even more confused.

“Do you want to watch me kiss your father?”

Leo wrinkles his nose. “Ew.”

“Didn’t think so. Now, _please_ , give us a moment”, Barba pleads.

Leo rolls his eyes and turns his back on them.

This time, Sonny wastes no time. He cubs Barba’s face and does not just kiss him, he claims him.

Barba’s lips are adorably cold, but his tongue willingly reaches out and licks into Sonny’s mouth. He still tastes like heaven and Sonny feels like his legs will give way.

And this is it.

 _This_ is the perfect kiss.

Sonny doesn’t know for how long they had kissed until they are interrupted by “Can I turn around again?”. Sonny smiles against Barba’s lips and Barba sighs into Sonny’s mouth. With a last peck on Barba’s lips, Sonny lets go of him.

“Let’s go upstairs then.”

Barba agrees with a nod and Sonny touches Leo’s shoulders to tell him to look again. He searches for the key in his pocket, hits it into the lock and opens the door for them.

“Uncle Rafi, be careful. Daddy may kick you.”

“Leo, stop taking things out of context.”

“But you said…”

“Leo, hurry up!”

“Okay, okay.” And Leo starts jumping up the stairs, talking to his plush lion, apparently introducing him to the building.

“So what did you get me?”, Sonny asks with a mischevious grin.

Barba furrows his brow as if Sonny had just asked the silliest question in the world. He gestures down to his body.

“You said you liked what you saw. Consider me giftwrapped.”

Sonny laughs loudly, but soon his face frowns.

Barba who is walking behind him asks: “What is it?”

“I might have thrown away the lube and condoms.”

Barba stops on the spot. Horrified, he stares at Sonny.

“Why? On earth?”

“I was trying to get over you!”, Sonny replies defensively.

“Daddy? What are condoms?”

“Shut up, Leo.”

Barba, in the middle of a flight of stairs, closes his eyes. He breathes in and out a couple of times.

“Rafi, what are you doing?”

“Trying to remind myself that I did not just come for sex.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has gotten so out of hands: 21k words, I can't believe it. But I must say, if you guys are in, I'm willing to continue. One day.
> 
> Plus I was slightly tipsy when I finished this and my dog was snoring next to me, I hope there aren't many mistakes.
> 
> So in the spirit of Christmas, be kind to one another and love loud! And as always, thanks to everyone for reading! Kudos and comments are my personal Christmas miracles.

**Author's Note:**

> At first this prompt gave me some trouble, because I used to not like AUs, but after some time I got really into it and started to feel the Barisi dynamic. I had so much fun, so thanks sooo much to Queen_oval for this wonderful prompt! It was pure joy for me, I hope you enjoy, too. 
> 
> So this is my first AU and first Sonny point of view (that I posted, I am working on some stories). Let me know what you think.
> 
> Also, Leo is a total legitimate choice of a name. All the Carisi have simple, short half Italian, half American names and Peter's son is called Leo and that this happens to be also the name of mine is just a coincidence.
> 
> Kudos and comments are gifts to me, so be generous ;) and peaceful!


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